today was a very, very very bad day. one of the worst days ever. i was so annoyed and upset and irritated half the day and i felt so terrible during and after. these are one of the days where i know i have to lean on His strength because i'd be jumping off some remote building if i didnt. these are the days that i realise i really, really really need God.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. days like these make me wonder why im such a bad person. why i cant be patient and loving and caring like some of my friends are. i remember what pastor mitch told me once, that you cant compare cos 1. everyone is different 2. we all have different parents. but it still frustrates me sometimes. dont get me wrong i love my family but on days like these, they drive me up the wall.

Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really somewhere between them

Some days I'm running wild
Some days I'm reconciled
But I wonder all the while
Why you put up with me when

I wrestle most days
To find ways to do as I please

I always have, I always will
You saved me once, You save me still
A longing heart, Your love alone can fill
You always have, always will

I was born with a wayward heart
Still I live with a restless spirit
My soul is so well worn
You'd think I'd have arrived by now

I'm caught in the trappings of
My search for lasting love
I've made mistakes enough to last me a lifetime
I still slip, I still fall
But I'll always run back to You

I'm gonna keep trusting You
I see what You've seen me through
I'm goin' where You have gone
I'm letting You lead me on
All my days.. always and forever

Here's my heart
I'll always love You

the days that i fall grossly short of the person i know He wants me to be, i sometimes feel like im on the verge of going insane. but i remember what a friend told me once- about the demons of doubt he feels and how he just felt like not seeking God altogether. and i count my blessings, because on days like these, i may cry and feel like crap and scream into my pillow, but i readily come back to Him because He says in 1john3:20 that He is bigger than our hearts. that when our heart tells us we are unworthy and we've fallen short and we suck and we should just die, He simply tells us to come back and rest in His perfect love (:

haha i still remember my missionary dream when i was 16. haha i just kept going on about how i wanted to go and be a missionary in nepal. but well i guess my dreams are kinda shattered because bethany doesnt send missionaries but well. when i came to accept Jesus as my Savior, i told God i didnt want to be mediocre. i wanted to be a vessel of gold, or silver to do great things and bear His truth to those who needed to hear. and i still do. though some days may make me disillusioned and the evil one may tell me im going to fail, i rest in the promise that He's still working on me, and that He'll fashion me, everyday, increasingly into His likeness. (:

and i WILL NOT BE MEDIOCRE. so there! the bad part of the day is over, now to dwell on His faithfulness (: