life's not easy to understand. theres alot of things to comprehend cos you see how situations intertwine and somehow.. they just arent separate and different. sometimes i really confuse myself. went to ruth's house on saturday and flipped through her new 'travel book' and i think it was from that moment that i realised how easy it is to slide back and fall into what we were in sectwo- completely clueless about His love for us and the one and only main reason why we live. haha i think the only big difference between the two of us is that she pens down her feelings in POEMS -faint- and extremely artistically and crap i suck haha i just cry :'(

and the thing is that. i've been walking in and out and in and out of dark tunnels in my life ever since around febuary this year and i look at myself im inconsistent, im a HUGE WHINER, crier, i've got a short temper.. and the list goes on and on. in my dark periods i let the darkness cloud my view and i push Him away telling myself i dont need Him and im perfectly 'happy' and 'self-sufficient' watching crappy movies, listening to crappy songs and eating crushed oreos with ice cream. when i walk out of one of the many tunnels i've been through the past few months, somehow the light comes through and i realise what an idiot i've been, walking away from the one thing that really mattered. and i come back crying and He always takes me back. always.

and one of the things that i really cannot comprehend is this. k well theres this couple in school and i know the girl decided she liked two guys, one who was her current boyfriend and some other guy from dunno where. and her boyfriend knew it and he accepted it when she said she needed time to decide between the both of them. i've seen them together again recently and somehow that brought alot of warmth to my heart cos i knew that well he loved/loves her. ALOT. and although she chose to walk away and place him 'on hold' when she chose to come back to him all he said was 'ok', and welcomed her with open arms.

so maybe its not exactly a bgr thing, but i see the very evident similiarities between my relationship with Him and that. cos honestly if i were the guy i'd just be like. 'please go and die im sorry i dont want you anymore' and i'll never, never NEVER understand how you can forgive someone just like that. that really is love. and thats the kind of love He gives. the kind of love i know i will never comprehend and the kind of love that i want to learn to practise and hold onto.

"but above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection." -colossians3:14

and loving others will never come easy unless you first love Him. if you cant love perfection, if you cant love the One who died for you, how can you love people that turn their backs on you when you need them, and never give you anything in return?

by this they will know. if we only love the lovely, and those we call our own, or if we give expecting something in return. if our mercy has a limit if our reach has an end, if our favour must always be earned. what makes us different in the world's eyes, where is the proof that we belong to Christ? by this they will know who Jesus is, by this they will know that we are His. if we give of ourselves, as He gave Himself for us, by this they will know Him. they'll know Jesus by our love.

finding it especially difficult to learn to love some of the people around me and somehow trying to maintain my 'happiness level' on my own just makes me really tired. the JOY level has to constantly increase but alot of times i just mope around and refuse to let that joy overflow like it was meant to be.

and i dont wanna be a flame, wanna be a RAGING FIRE. tired of my will my way, Your callings higher. and its time that i stopped running from the truth, so i'll stand here still until im filled- i wanna be moved (:

I REFUSE TO LET INSIDIOUS SATAN TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE I AM GOD'S CHILD AND NOTHING WILL EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER change that. these are the times when i go through dark tunnels and i feel down but psalm30:5 joy will always come in the morning! (:

and Your amazing love, is unconditional.