Lord, i want You to know that this double life is through.
and everything, all of me, im giving to You.
and with my whole heart, im gonna love You
and with my whole life, im gonna live it for You
take my heart, every secret part,
im wholehearted in love with You.

had some free/breathing time on sunday morning and i kinda sat down and reflected on the past month and all the things that've been happening what with school starting again after a month long break and the wonderful [priceless] experience in london and prague. was feeling pretty sick of studying actually and i was looking at the countdown sheet i made for prelims [sigh.] and i was thinking of throwing all my books away and not studying anymore hm. and i usually think of doing that all the time but normally i dont i just force myself to study. then i started thinking about the end of last year and youth conference and all and how i promised the Lord that i would follow Him with my whole heart and love Him with my entire being, and praise Him in every circumstance. and i thought 'oh boy, failed- AGAIN.'

and it kinda reminded me about how sometimes we keep struggling and struggling and struggling and then after you fall flat on your face you wonder what on earth you keep struggling for and you feel like giving up. but ruth quoted jia during sunday school today 'the worst thing next to struggling to maintain a relationship and walking with the Lord is not having such a relationship.' and that is DOWNRIGHT true. and often times i forget how blessed i am to just know Him. and as i sat on my bed journalling i decided that i really had to take practical steps to overcome my severe inertia in studying and the other issues in my life that im trying to overcome, so i did. and at the end of it when i looked at everything i had written down, i still felt that there was something missing and i KNEW what it was, i just didnt want to admit it.

see we all struggle with the problem of learning to let go and let Him, and thats just what's been preventing me from dealing with all the things that life [or satan] has thrown as me. this little 20% part of me that tells me im fine, i can take things into my own hands and i can make little wrong choices along the way and it doesnt matter cos God's gonna forgive me anyway. oh boy, wrongwrong and i STILL havent learnt.

so im learning to let go, let go and let Him. im wholehearted in love, with You. (: