Lord, i see the things You ask of me
faithfulness, holiness and purity.
i love Your truth, i long to show it to the world for You.
but Lord i need Your help to understand,
the other person that i sometimes am.
i never want to live a day that i cant say to You-
"Lord whatever You ask, i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart
Lord whatever You ask, i know that You can give me wisdom and courage to equal the task,
Lord whatever You ask."
I think so much that it steals away
The will to make the time to serve and pray
And there are days I don't take up Your cross and follow You
But I have learned that I can talk with You
You know everything that I am going through
if i just ask I find that You're right there
Providing me with the strength I need
"Lord whatever You ask, i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart
Lord whatever You ask, i know that You can give me wisdom and courage to equal the task,
Lord whatever You ask."
give me courage, to equal the task- Lord whatever You ask.
im still feeling.. funny. camp was good in a sense that it provided a retreat away from the revolving world around me that seems to spin at lightning speed with no end, it gave me five days of time to listen to His Word and to be able to focus so much more, i renewed my commitment to Him to try my very best to walk worthy of this calling of every believer to bear those fruits which prove to be evidence of the Christian life but though i know i dont ever wanna give up and stop walking the narrow way my thoughts are still really jumbled up and im just.. pretty much lost.
i honestly dont understand the other person that i sometimes am. i mean i know lethal sin problems are gonna be ever-present in my life but alot of times i just cant seem to reconcile the emptiness with.. whatever else there is. im just veryveryVERY confused now and whenever i think about my walk satan jumps right in and gives that really sinking feeling of dread that whispers in my ear "youre gonna fail.. fail." pastor kept talking about having a strong mind which would then help us overcome any attacks from the evil one and i know my mind is weak. i know that it takes very little pressure to make me give way and i've got a long way more before i can exemplify the FRUIT of the Spirit in my life and before i can say this like paul "but you have carefully followed my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, love, perseverance." -2tim3:10 is my life an example worth following? i really dont think so. but it is POSSIBLE and im not gonna give up, working towards that (:
one of the things i did during camp was to pinpoint the areas of sin and distractions in my life, five of them i found exceptionally outstanding and after writing them out and staring at them for a long time, i realised the BIGGEST problem ever, the sixth one- im running away. i didnt realise it but i'd run out from the cover of His love and grace and mercy about a month ago when things started going pretty smoothly, i ran out and tried to make it on my own. i was drawn to the artificial bright lights that were beautiful in the world's eyes and i lost sight of the true light that shines and is STILL shining, i lost sight of the brightness that would aid me in my Christian walk, the only light that really mattered. and then things started to go wrong and i found it more and more difficult to turn to Him the right way, reading His Word and asking really with ALL MY HEART that His will be done, not mine. i spent alot of unfocused time reading His Word which then amounted to nothing cos my heart was simply not placed into what i was doing.
i wrote out my solutions to those sin problems in my life, the very things i knew that were hindering my walk with Him and standing in the way of the path of righteousness He meant for each one of us to tread. and the solutions i marked out for myself seemed, and still seem so huge and impossible, IF i try to do them on my own. i know so clearly that it is His strength we were meant to depend on, and yet it becomes mere head knowledge a large portion of the time and i just dont apply it to my life the way i should.
we like, because. we love, although. love is an act of will. pastor then talked about how there are only two commandments we have to obey-
1. to love our God with ALL our heart, ALL our mind, ALL our soul, and ALL our strength.
2. to love our neighbour as ourselves
and how the rest of the ten commandments given in the Bible then stemmed from this love, as it says in 1john1, that if we love Him we WILL walk in the light and obey His commandments. its a greater challenge to walk in that light, not focusing on the number of times i've fallen down sat on my butt and refused to get up, not focusing on my sins and transgressions but focusing on Him.
t sweekeng's principle of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. how we always stumble in our walk but at the end of the day, we still progress by that one step. i know my faith has grown from that little baby "Jesus loves me this i know cos the Bible tells me so" seed to a little seedling. the trials of life i've experienced have changed me alot- You are the potter, i am the clay, mould my and make me, this is what i pray. at the end of the day, i know my faith has grown much farther than from where i was before but i also know this rough patch is an area in my life that i have to overcome not on my own but with Him and how carefully i have to guard myself against being content staying at my current level of faith.
i want, to live that victorious Christian life we were meant to live and as i prepare my heart for the re-opening of school and the trials that might follow, as i guard myself like daniel and remind myself to say "no" to certain things that i have promised myself and Him that i wont do, as i gather my thoughts and digest the huuuuuuuuuge amount of spiritual food pastor has so lovingly and painstakingly fed us over the past week, as i learn to give thanks for His amazing blessing of placing me in bethany where He pulled me from the darkness into the light, and as i try to remember its a privilege to be able to go through life's trials suffering for His sake, its a greater challenge to bear the fruit of the Spirit naturally cos it stems from that first and growing love for Him and i really, want that joy back. and i never, ever want to lose it ever.
i know im so blessed to have a whole bunch of people walking with me, pushing me forward, reminding me and growing alongside me. bethany and everyone in it has been a blessing true and true and i really thank Him for it, for if i hadnt gone to bethany i wouldnt be feeling this way now, cos i wouldnt even realise i have that emptiness inside me. im glad i know and as numberone says im not "starting over again" im continuing right from this moment and im gonna try my best- walk in Him (: [galatians5:25]
joy is the flag flown high from the castle of my heart, for the King is in residence there (:
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