man conf is over :'( i wanna stay there foreverrrrrrr WHINE. but as usual every year conf always provides the same uplift to the spirit and the same encouragement to walk with Him each year. but this year my prayer is that i learn to abide in Him so much more. to go beyond all the tears on consecration night, to go beyond "yes Lord i will take up my cross and follow you and NOT GROW WEARY" to actually really truly believing with my whole heart that i CAN BE STRONG. that i can be stable in the faith which was always the way it was meant to be. to renew my love for Him each day and to begin thanking Him for His glory that unfolds each day (: really learning what it means to abide in the light and flee from the darkness!

there were alot of things that struck me this conference and so yup im gonna go on forever.. but anw (: pastor spoke about the divine seed that's in each of us and he was saying like how if His seed was in us then our lives would reflect the five aspects:

1. righteousness [1john2:29]
2. purity [1john3:3]
3. no habitual sin [1john3:9]
4. keeping yourself [1john5:18]
5. being an overcomer [1john5:4-5]

and after that evening's message i sat there and i was like "heyyy.. wheres that in my life?" asked pastor about it and he said it wasnt that we all have to be perfect in displaying these fruits in our lives, but earnestly seeking it and desiring these fruits are reflections and evidence of a true believer. and i do desire it but over the past year i've been neglecting what is the important but doesnt seem 'urgent' and not going into deep prayer about it. but im learning and i am determined to look beyond all the superficialities of this world and to dig deeper into what He wants me to be.

talked to t chen kee too and she was telling liling and i how we should first remember what it means to ABIDE IN THE LIGHT and not focus on the results of abiding in the light like not stumbling and having that abundant joy. and i think that for myself over the past year i've just totally missed the point. im focusing on 'imusthavejoyimusthavejoy' and 'icannotstumbleicannotstumble' that i've forgotten to focus on actually learning how to abide. it's like telling myself 'iwillgetsixpointsforo'siwillgetsixpointsforo's' and not studying. PLAIN STUPIDITY. and she also reminded me of a veryveryveryveryveryVERY IMPORTANT TRUTH that i have failed to see- that light ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS overcomes the darkness. no amount of darkness can cover light, but just a small light can triumph over darkness. and thats what we were meant to be! lights that shine for the world to see and that's why we were all meant to live DYNAMIC and EFFECTIVE Christian lives. pastor once said that living a dynamic and victorious Christian life is not meant to be extraordinary, its supposed to be ORDINARY. in other words, every single believer should walk around with that light that was put in him by God. psalm18:28 and in the gospels, its stupid to light a lamp and put it under a basket- instead it should give light to all who are in the house. [matt5:14-16]

"let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven." -matt5:16 (:

and on wednesday night, it was second in line in the POWWOW session. the love of God. the countless times i've been reminded that there is no greater love, not now, not ever. yet i still seek after the things of this world that i think will satisfy me for a short period of time. and i've forgotten that this God-shaped void in me, and every one of us, can only be filled by Him. i remember what ruth said before that our walk of faith is one longgggggg squiggly line, and if we'd just walked STRAIGHT, we'd have covered so much greater a distance in the same amount of time. i dont want to take three steps forward and two steps back, i want to take ten steps forward and not step back.

talked to pastor mitch after one of the evening sessions too and he asked me if there was anything i regretted about the year and oh boy, am i a person with alot of regrets. but he told me he didnt have a single regret over the past year. oh boy do i wanna be there. I CAN BE STRONG. t chung said that, t chen kee said that, pastor said that. I CAN BE STRONG. we all can be. but not by our own human strength and wisdom, but by His. t elaine told us phil4:13 it isnt "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me." but "i can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me." to focus on Him and to walk in His ways- always.

and with my whole heart, im gonna love You.
and with my whole life, im gonna live it for You.
take my heart, every secret part-
im wholehearted in love with You.

and the ultimate ultimate slapintheface session- consecration night. will you say "yes i will follow Christ." and really mean it, and abide. i used about half a box of tissue and i really just thank the Lord that through all the times i've run away from Him and refused to see the light, He hasnt hardened my heart and i pray it may never be so. the concept that the Lord can actually HARDEN YOUR HEART is one so frightening that. i just. dont know how to describe it. imagine wanting to receive the Lord but not being able to cos He's hardened your heart and you've gone beyond the point of no return? like the pharoah, i dont ever wanna be there.

the biggest lesson im learning since leaving camp is that of "be angry but do not sin" which is in ephesians i think and to "love the brethren."

and these two things are whoa. the hardest i've ever had to do- but with God nothing is impossible! luke1:37 i keep telling myself, how can i love the lost souls He meant for us to reach when i cant even love those that stand with me on common ground? but unfortunately the case is that some non-believers are easier to love than some believers. but im looking beyond all that and so much more looking to commit everything into His hands and trust that He will teach me how to love them with this perfect love with which He has loved me. ruth just sent me about nine messages and yup both of us are seeking to love in that aspect and for myself, to remember what i told her ages ago- that though it's hard, we must learn to look beyond to the hidden, hurting soul. to love them through Jesus' heart, and see them through Jesus' eyes. to love the souls that hurt, just like He does. and the wise words of msrjhumanitiesscholar 'if we can see their hurt and dont cover them in love and prayer, no one will.must pray about it and remind each other the next time we're on the verge of complaining, and make our response instead, one of prayer.' thank You Lord for my special friends, to encourage, exhort, love, and rebuke.

reminded of a very apt ginny song:

i am nothing

i could travel over oceans,
cross the deserts, climb the mountains
just to share Your story, bring You glory
and win souls for You.

i could live a flawless life,
never cheat or steal or lie
and always speak so kindly, smile so warmly
and go about doing good.

i could dedicate myself to do,
what everyone else wants me to and
listen to them, compliment them
say the things i should.

i could sing like an angel,
sound so humble and so thankful
full of drama and emotion-
so the world would know your truth.

i could show up every sunday,
lead the choir and Bible study
and they all might come to know me
as a leader and a friend.
oh, i could achieve success on earth but
success cannot define my worth and
all these actions, all these words
will not matter in the end.

cos songs will fade to silence,
stories they will cease.
the dust will settle covering all my selfless deeds.
so as i strive to serve You, wont You make it clear to me?
that if i do not love-

i am nothing.

i could do all these things, but if i do not love- i am nothing.

doing a testimony with ben on wednesday during camp echo but although i hate to speak in front of people, this is my desire to tell them that 'hey the Lord has been there for me, even when i walked away. He who begun a good work in you- will be faithful to complete it.'

really seeking reaffirmation during easter next year and God willing, things'll work out. let my life be the praise. and i am so blessed to be have so many walking beside me, so many that have gone before me, and so many that come after me [whom i hope will find us faithful (:]. the Bethany forest- i know we all stand on common ground. (:

learning to appreciate Christmas all over again, to thank Him that i know there is so much more to bright lights and festivities on that day, to thank Him that i can sing for carolling, and sing for the Christmas concert, to thank Him that i have this wonderful church and family i can be with to share that say with people that stand with me on common ground. and most of all to thank Him for the gift of this Baby Boy. (:

that Christmas day, from a crown to a stable- He chose to be one of us.