today i sat on the swings looking up at all of this-





i read a phrase in 'i dont have enough faith to be an atheist' today - there is no one as deaf as those who do not wish to hear. how true. its all there. Paul, a persecutor of Christians, a hater of Christians, became one of the most fervent believers, proclaiming the gospel to his death. others were doubtful, lied to save their own skin (see peter and the denial of the Lord Jesus 3 times) and yet after the resurrection, believed it so much they were bold to proclaim it as they bravely marched to their horrible, violent deaths.

some Christian martyrs, you might say, were deceived into thinking this lie of the resurrection was true. but really, could it be? how? an empty tomb. an appearance of Jesus to hundreds of people. the missing body. the insanely heavy stone rolled away. the roman guards admitting that they 'fell asleep' (falling asleep while guarding a tomb would entail the punishment of death). it transformed cowards into heroes. it turned its persecutors into its adherents. how amazing, how extraordinary!

i think its wonderful. i just spent 54dollars on amazon on more CS Lewis books. hahahaa

its funny how i talk more to my friends back home now that im here as compared to when i was home. haha. i guess the distance makes you feel like you need to make time? i dont know. the conversations ive had over the past few days and the passages i have been reading have set me thinking on a lot of things.

today i journaled for the first time in awhile.

"trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

i remember the time i started this new journal. i remember what the most pressing thing on my mind was. i remember the spiritual and emotional turmoil. i remember struggling to choose Him. i remember fighting hard. i remember the tears. i remember the nightmares. i remember the doubts and the questions.

but above all of that i remember His goodness. i remember the assurance. i remember the peace. i remember calm surrender. i remember the process of healing. i remember He was by my side.

and now i better understand what it means to trust the Lord with all my heart. not part of it, not some of it, but all of it. all. not in part but the whole.

it doesnt matter if people dont understand. it doesnt matter if you lose things/people for His sake. aspire to do as Paul did - to count these things but losses, to the glory of our Lord! (: