We follow slowly from afar,
We stumble blindly through the night,
We miss the fellowship, the light,
So slow to learn, as learn we must
That all we need to do is trust,
And just to walk with God.
i did something really stupid yesterday i was running towards the car after choir cos i was rushing to see the gospel of john so i was grabbing my phone so tight i accidently deleted two out of the five new messages i had, unread and i didnt even see who the sender was how stupid is that la im qte fed up with myself still grr
gospel of john was a little draggy but it was really cool cos it unfolded the ENTIRE gospel of john and yea its just really nice to see it on screen. the crucifixtion wasnt very well depicted though it made me wince alot cos whenever i think about nails through my wrists, my two hands just go weak. cried at the part where mary fell to her knees in front of Jesus and its really amazing His compassion for evil wretched us [john11:35] Jesus wept. He didnt have to heal the blind, the lame, the officer's son, He didnt have to raise lazarus from the dead, He didnt have to endure the shame and pain of the cross- but He did anyway. sometimes i really wonder how stupid i can get struggling in my walk with Someone who loves me so much. its sin but im trying, and im not gonna give up.
i seriously zaoxiaded during rehearsal just now my voice will just dieeee i feel like just hiding in a hole la gah :'( heh no actually my skin is qte thick so im not really traumatised but it was.. bad. thats what happens when i dont practise self-control and eat chocolates and ice cream early in the morning :'(
but aside from the horribleness of how my voice sounds i know theres more to it than that. i have so horribly failed in finding meaning in singing 'all rise' ben told me to read revelations4 the description of the throne room of heaven and whoa i have waited too long before getting down to reading it. when im scared i just freezeup i cant think and obviously i cant sing but i must remember when i can visualize that whole scene in heaven and when i REALLY believe it with all my heart, soul, mind and strength- thats when i can sing it and really mean it and i have to find that, really have to.
its gonna be a huge new challenge as i step into the new week, missing three familiar faces [that im REALLY unhappy about] and seeing a few more new faces. and im gonna try my best to be nice? but i dont know how far im gonna succeed. really im being brutally honest with myself cos i really dont know how nice i can be when i think about previoussboners that arent in sbone anymore cos of sixpointers that make it in. but i need the strength, the second greatest commandment- to love your neighbour as yourself.
gonna try reaaaaaaal hard and i just really need sustenance and strength through this. phobic, dont be. im gonna try reallllllll hard and im gonna survive YES
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