this feels like some horrible silent movie re-run i feel like i've been through this all before the same thoughts, wrench at the heart, confusion and its all so horrid i just dont feel like dealing with it. it just bothers me down so bad sometimes i really just dont know how to deal with it.

amidst all the crappiness and all deep down inside my heart i know He never ever gives me more than i can take but sometimes when i so enjoy sitting on my butt and feeling sad in my own little hole it doesnt seem very much like reality. i honestly never expected it to be this bad but anyway it IS this bad so i just gotta learn how to deal with it.

ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you- matt7:7 during one of the free pw periods i went over to the bleaches and just started reading my Bible, came to psalm31:24 "be strong and of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord." and that was like WOW for the first time in a long time my heart actually stopped trying to outrun me and there was just.. stillness. and that was just bliss. i mean seriously it was amazing. that was a simple taste of the kind of peace He can give and the joy He can give and because of sin i often forget and i just like totally lose it and thats something i was NEVER meant to lose when i have Him. we're supposed to live VICTORIOUS Christian lives and im just sitting here feeling so horribly subdued

i got a lesson to learn through this, a price to pay and an experience to take away.

I wont let you sink no, I forgive you.