what a blessing to my heart.

may i receive Your mercy, Your love, Your peace and Your instruction with grace.
trust is such a very, very, very hard thing to learn. 21 years of living. 21 years of worrying. and i just dont ever stop. even though i know and i have experienced all of God's goodness. in the form of physical and spiritual blessing, of healing, of grace. my cup is full and yet i always worry, and im always scared of the what if, what if, what if.

i know it hurts Him to see me like this. deep down in my heart i know that He has the power to heal me in my hurts, change me in my trials, and give to me all things as i desire if it is in alignment with His will. and yet me, sinful, wretched me, just cant see it.

today i begin praying. praying with all my heart that i will find courage and trust to move forward with a faith that is sturdy, grounded, steadfast in Christ. the cornerstone, the foundation, the rock that never moves, never changes. the One that is the same yesterday, today and forever. yet at the same time my heart is full of thanks for all, for everything. i just gotta stop worrying about tomorrow and rest my eyes in the present - give all i can give, and receive with a full (not heavy) heart, all that i can receive.

oh, my God is a great God.

that was pretty much the end of my post, but i just received an email from ed with this excerpt from CS Lewis' mere Christianity

The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says "Give
Me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so
much of your work: I want You I have not come to torment your natural self,
but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a
branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't
want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand
over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as
well as the ones you think wicked-the whole outfit. I will give you a new
self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become
yours."

at 12am i prayed a five minute prayer for a peace that passes understanding and to be able to reconnect with the Lord the way i wanted to. its now 3am and my heart is fuller, cos as much as my human self tells me to worry, the other part, the part that ive learnt to give to the Lord is pulling it over and telling it, God is in control.