today i have two thoughts on trust - one with regards to trusting God, and one with regards to trusting humans.

what does it mean to trust God?

for me, that means that i believe that He has a perfect plan for me. doesnt mean that the journey will always be smooth, doesnt mean that it will be good times 24/7, doesnt mean bad stuff doesnt happen. but when they do i can hold onto what i know to be true - that God is good and righteous and He does not intend to afflict me with hurt just for the heck of it. to know that He is all-knowing and wonderful and that every trial i face in my life has a reason. and that translates then to believing that in these moments of pain and trial, that He will provide me with the strength that i need to get through these difficulties of life, and that He also possesses the power to heal my heart.

what does it mean to trust someone?

trusting someone means that you believe that they will always do what is best for you. place you before themselves and their own interests. that they will be there for you and pray for you and not give up on you, no matter what. so its hard, to really trust a person.

i never quite understood the fragility of trust till sometime this year, when lots of things began exploding in my face. hahahah. trusting people has never been a big issue for me in terms of telling people information about my life - ive never had problems with that, my life is pretty much open to people haha and i generally share with a lot of my friends the struggles i face in my life. but over the years i've realised that trusting people without thinking can be dangerous. it leads to hurt - sometimes to yourself and sometimes to others.

there are few people in the world that i can say i really do trust. and if there is one person in the whole world i can say with absolute confidence would do just about anything for me, i know that person will be my mom. (mom i know you stalk me and youre reading this so haha i love you! but doesnt mean i love daddy or mark any less ok.) so maybe i dont understand everything everything about my mom, but through 21 years of my life she has loved me and cared for me and been there for me. i think the point in time when i realised that was when i first came over to canada and got sick with food poisoning and started thinking, if i was back home mommy would bring me to the doctor..cook me fish porridge.. check my temperature every hour..take me to the hospital at 2am at night.. i know that i can trust my mom cos i know she loves me, and as far as possible, she will always be there for me.

trust is something that must be earned. and just by being my mom, i automatically put my trust in her cos shes just.. my mom. and she has proven to me time and time again that shes never leaving me. sadly, i dont think my mom can say she trusts me like i trust her, cos i dont think ive done for her quite as much as she's done for me. so over days, weeks, months and years, as the friends i have slowly earn a place of trust in my heart, i know that i must do the same for them. its over time and testing and proving that you earn someone's trust - break it once and it will never be the same again.

i remember this phrase from somewhere, i think its contract law - relationship of mutual trust and confidence. trust involves knowing someone thoroughly, understanding the person's quirks, the person's dos and donts. and most importantly, trust involves love between two people. (and i dont mean sappy bgr love, cos thats just a load of crap but real love grounded in a common love for the Lord.)

but of course, as humans, we could never match up to the divine. we can never trust another human being like we trust God. and of course, we never should - unless you want to fall on your ass and start crying. but it should come..without making you over-dependent on another fallible human being, for it makes you able to love with the love He placed in your heart - and that, is a really wonderful thing (:

on a slightly irrelevant note, on the 3 hr bus ride from indianapolis to chicago, i was just thinking about how boys are so much less emotional than girls and how thats just insanely unfair cos we get affected by the little things that "dont matter" from their point of view. but ive come to the conclusion that feeling a lot has many benefits too. for one, it enables you to love more - it allows you to empathize with others, cry with others without looking "weak". and in some ways i think it draws you closer to the Lord cos youre better able to feel Him and love Him. thats not to say boys dont, but thats just some of my thoughts.

i took more photos of snowflakes today.. and it amazes me that this little speck of ice falling from the sky, falls down in different shapes and sizes and each one has its own amazing, intricate design. what made God take so much care to make creation glow? He could have made it black and white, and we'd have never known. everytime i sing that song i cry..but im sitting at the airport waiting for my flight and im too tired to cry. ahahah.

God has been so good. He sent me a nice friend from poland who helped me get to the train station from the bus station, who lent me his gloves when it was kick-ass freezing and under 0degrees. and He has taught me to count my blessings - i have to spend the night at the airport and wait for my flight at 7am tomorrow morning. but there are homeless people here who sleep at the airport every single day. i need to count my blessings.

im gonna end here..i miss bethany, and i wish i was at youth conference. miss you all, have a great camp, the Lord will bless it as He always has year after year. praying for you all!