holidays pass so quickly, and school comes back so fast :( ive already spent 10 days in London and 7 days in Paris, and in a few days im gonna be back to horrible school! mom and dad and siewmai are gone :( but its been a great two weeks with my family and all the friends i managed to meet up with along the way, so. i am thankful (:

so anw, last night i thought for a bit about friends that ive lost over the years..more often than not, drifts are caused by miscommunication, unresolved issues, or because a 3rd party repeated something that wasnt quite right. people talk. people always talk. night and day, every moment, every second, and 60% of the time it isn’t anything nice.

how apt that in line with my thoughts last night, i have reached Matthew 15 in my reading of matthew.

Matthew writes in verse 11
“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.”

and again in verse 18
”But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.”

your words are a reflection of your thoughts, as well as a mirror of your heart and soul. if you speak wicked words, it is a sure reflection of the wickedness of your heart. of course, that is not to say that one who speaks not evil words is a saint.

that is why the Lord warns against the use of the tongue – it is an evil. James 3 demonstrates that most eloquently. people say words don’t hurt – that is the biggest fallacy i have ever heard my entire life. the malicious speak with the intent to hurt, the scheming speak to further their purpose, the foolish speak with no evil intent, but the hurt that results is all the same, and your foolishness may well be mistaken by others as malice. i must confess that i myself have been guilty of this error, too many times over. life’s like that, your folly comes back to bite you in the ass. even the venting of your perfectly justified frustrations about friend X to friend Y can result in disastrous consequences when X decides to share with W who then passes it on to Y. over the years ive learnt that the best way to nip the problem in the bud is to skip all the ‘venting’ (as you may verily cross the line of reasonableness and delve into gossiping without being aware of it), and address the problem directly with Y. but i, unfortunately, have failed to learn this lesson as well as i had hoped. of course, in a real-life situation there are many other variables that might make such a clear and frank discussion between you and Y almost impossible.

during my teenage years, gossiping was a VERY real problem of mine. and, i believe, many other _____-teen year old girls (no matter how much you try to deny it). put a group of girls together at a table and what do you get? comments about anything and everything. ‘omg her dress is so ugly’ ‘do you know so-and-so told me that A did ____ to B??’ when these comments or stories are met with a burst of laughter or a knowing smile, they spiral deeper and deeper into something which begins to immunize you to the feelings of others outside this group, something that darkens your heart in a way that you yourself do not realize. i am not perfect – i often have the urge to react to someone dressed 'distastefully' in my book, or to repeat a new piece of ‘news’ ive heard. stopping such hurtful words from proceeding from your mouth takes a long time, and so much of the Lord’s strength, but it is possible. i have met so many women of grace, who exemplify Proverbs 31. gentle, kind, with their speech always coming forth with grace.

but in recent months, ive found a particular scenario in which it is infinitely more difficult to exercise grace in speaking about another that has hurt you deeply – and that is in break-ups. haha, i don’t know why, but the break-up bug seems to be flying around so many of those i know in the past few months. break-ups are, more often than not, unpleasant. amicable agreements may be reached, but it is almost impossible to immediately revert to friendship between two that once shared a special love. we all have our sixth sense, men and women alike. when a man or a woman is attempting to break up with their once beloved, the reasons for it are often clear to the once beloved, even if he/she chooses not to admit it or would rather remain ignorant of it. it is rare to find one who is brutally honest in the event of a break-up for fear of causing unnecessary hurt to the other (another reason could, of course, be cowardice in its truest form). that is why we laugh and roll our eyes when we see this line played out repeatedly on shows like Friends and HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (barney! Hahahah) – ‘its not you, its me’. inevitably then, in the process of healing for the one whose heart has been broken a barrage of questions arise, the theme of which revolves around a single word – why? why did he lie? why did she keep that from me? why did he break that promise? whywhywhywhywhy. in the midst of all these questions, unwelcomed acquaintances like anger and betrayal come knocking on the door of your heart, and because you are desperately in need of some help to fill that gaping hole in your heart, you let them in, at least for while. until you begin to allow healing, love and joy back into your heart – then there is not enough space in your heart for anger and betrayal to continue their stay.

when anger and betrayal have just entered in, when you are sobbing uncontrollably on a friend’s shoulder (girls) or sitting silent with a friend (boys), how do you articulate your thoughts on this matter? a person who shares your life with you as a boyfriend/girlfriend does must, inevitably, also be your best friend (unless the conception of a relationship has so evolved to be something else of which i am not aware!). so when your best friend lies and hurts you (even with the best of intentions, ie not telling you the real reason for fear of wounding your heart more than necessary), how may you speak of this person with grace and love and yet also step on the road to healing? the fact remains that lies have been told, and within a span of a few hours, you no longer possess the standing you once had in the heart of your beloved. where does talking out emotions and feelings to friends in a bid to let go become malice and intent to hurt the one who has just walked out on you? (MENS REA GUYS hahahaha)

the best secular remedy for a break-up is to immediately see the one who did the breaking up as 'not worth it', 'idiot', 'liar' everythinggggg negative. it is an instinctive reaction - its called SOUR GRAPES. its not always true that the person you lost was necessarily the right one for you, but you truly did, with all your heart feel so at that point in time. when a friend suffers a heartbreak, i often revert to protection-mode (ie protecting the friend you love) and side with him/her in almost every matter. but along the way ive realised that this is not the kind of instinctive reaction i shd entertain. regardless of how tempting it is. (i realised this when i bumped into a very severe conflict of interest - ie when you are friends with both parties in a break-up).

when emotions get in the way, it is difficult to exercise the same grace, love, kindness and calmness you would be able to display in an ordinary circumstance. we all have different challenges in life. heartache is but one of many tests. of your mettle, of what stuff you are made of. its simple to say..but its the hardest ever to practise. remembering that your faith never changes, no matter the circumstances, no matter the trials, no matter the pain. i myself have fallen short on many counts. but how wonderful to know that we have a God that loves. a God that forgives our shortcomings, bestows on us undeserved mercy and surrounds us with abundant grace.

i just watched 'the other boleyn girl'. i really liked it! i love mary boleyn's character - how she chose to walk away with grace, even when all was taken from her by her very own sister. how she embraced with love, and how she gave back to those who almost destroyed her, pleading for clemency for the sister that had shown her such cruelty. no grudges, no grievances, just let it go. haha. WHAT AN IDEAL TO ASPIRE TO.

ive got a longggg way to go.