i googled 'death quotations', thinking that i shd find a profound saying by some famous dude to begin this post. but instead, look at what i found-

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

its funny how i forgot to turn to the most obvious source of wisdom - God's Word.

Aunty Nelly passed away today. as i sit and let the reality of this sink in, there is a tinge of sadness in my heart, but it hasnt overwhelmed me, and i dont think it will. she was so lovely. she always smiled, gave us hugs and encouragement. she was faithful and diligent in seeking knowledge of the Word of God. when the cancer spread and she was suffering, getting weaker by the minute, she held on tight to faith, to prayer, to the Lord.

i came before the Lord tonight to say thank You for bringing her back to His side. to a place where there is no heartache, no pain, no suffering.

i havent been entirely diligent in my reading of the Lord's Word these past couple of days. thank God for the people He brought into my life to encourage me and support me. Matthew 16:24 was on my mind tonight -

Jesus said "if anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me."

following is a daily process. Aunty Nelly exemplified that with her perseverance and her love. her gentleness and diligence. her humility and grace. so as i learn these lessons for myself, i thank God for bringing her into our lives (everyone at Bethany - all who agree say AYE!). thank You Lord for the blessing of this wonderful woman of Yours and we know You're taking good care of her right now. (:

i loved this

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

over the past few weeks ive had the opportunity to speak with two people on the subject of the church. the first was with a friend who shared with me his/her experience with the self-righteousness of a church community that, in a season of dilemma and weakness that he/she faced, offered not love, warmth and encouragement, but harsh words that did more harm than good. the second was with an elderly man i met on the ferry ride back from vancouver to victoria. he shared that he used to attend church but left 5 years ago because he had gotten a divorce and had been 'disillusioned' by the church. despite that, he did tell me that he still kept his faith in God.

what is the church supposed to be? the Body of Christ. that is not to say that fellow brothers and sisters in Christ should never point it out when you are living a life of sin or not glorifying the Lord - but the motives should be right. rebuke should always be done in love, in prayer, in gentleness. never judging, not with harsh words, and in a way that would be approved by our Lord. but along the way, we've failed. we've gotten all riled up in the politics of the church. we're obsessed with legalism. we judge, we condemn, we give off an air of self-righteousness. our humanness has allowed sin into our mortal bodies, and into the sacred community of the church. but that is not what Christ came to preach - He came to break the man-made rules that we created to bind us, and replaced it with the law of love. the law of love that shd translate into how we love each and everyone that God has placed in the midst of us, to build a close-knit body of believers for support and encouragement. (and of course, needless to say, love also for those outside the walls of the church)

Matthew 22
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”
37 Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[a]
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]

being away from home has taught me many things. i am immensely thankful that i have found a church in vic that is faithful in preaching the Word of God accurately (since i havent found any glaring doctrinal errors as yet haha). the community of the Church seems dynamic. but in many ways i have also found myself disappointed, somewhat, with what i have experienced over the past couple of months. there have been at least 20 people in church that have taken time to talk to me, get to know me and reach out to me over the last few months (i am thankful for each one, for each has been a blessing to my heart) but thats all theres been. most sundays (aside from the smiles and hugs i get from my little grade ones), i walk in and out of church and no one notices. i walk in and out of the ministries i serve in, and no one speaks to me. sometimes i get the feeling that some people avoid talking to me cos im asian and i dont quite fit in (in terms of skin color anyway haha). it disappoints me to see this in a community of the Lord. people stick to their comfort zones and dont reach out. this kinda reminded me of the concept of a 'Christian huddle' that aunts shared with us a longggggggggg long time ago. haha. about how sometimes as Christians we get so comfortable in our Church that we find a small place right there with our friends and ignore new people that enter our midst.

im not lamenting the state of things here "for myself", for the way people give me unwelcoming glances doesnt change the fact that i want to be in God's house worshiping the Lord. and in many ways im thankful. cos through this ive learnt how difficult it is to stay in a place where you are not welcomed with open arms. it has made me realise that i am sometimes guilty of this very thing back home. it has given me renewal and perspective, it has taught me that i am the hands, feet and voice of my Lord. i have to reach out with my hands, for He has none. i have to go with my feet to those that need Him, especially when they find courage to enter into a new environment. i have to speak the loving words of my Lord because He has charged me with this responsibility for the rest of my life.

if i was a new Christian, i would probably have been disillusioned by my experience here. thankfully, i am not. thankfully, in my earliest stages of growth, when He knew i needed it, He gave me Bethany (i miss you all! :). and i pray, i pray, with all my heart that when i return in 3 months (AHHHHHHH SOOOON!!!!!!!! SOON GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!), i will have learnt this lesson well, and my eyes will see those that need a friend, that my heart will be tender towards those that are not quite feeling at home, and i will be His hands, His feet and His voice, the best way i know how. (:

how do you measure love? (if you have thoughts on this, please share! haha) this question randomly popped up in my head as i read some blogs and came across the idea of lavishing someone with love-

“Lavish” also became my word of the week, the word written on my palm as a constant reminder of the grace God has lavished me with as well as a reminder to lavish my children with love.

to lavish with love brings across an idea so rich, so deep, so beautiful. the love of Christ that passes understanding - Christ came and demonstrated His love. He did it with gentle words of encouragement and stern words of rebuke. but above all of that He showed His love through His actions. by washing the feet of His disciples, by speaking with those who were despised and rejected, by suffering silently in prayer, and finally, through the Cross.

and i asked myself, how do i give my love? and i know ive got such a long way to go. haha. but with Christ, there's always a promised victory! (:

i laughed when i read this hahahaha. its really really true but for a four year old? poor girl! i didnt think it started that young.

this is why we all need to grow up into stable, strong, solid women of God. so when these crazy moments come we can stand up and smack them in the face. Amen! haha

i have one verse for myself tonight, and that is this:

"The blessing of the LORD makes one rich,
And He adds no sorrow with it." -Proverbs 10:22

i have been blessed with so much - if i am sorrowing, then
1. im not walking right with the Lord
2. satan has a foothold somewhere in my life
3. im not obeying and im not doing something right

it could be 1 or 2 or 3, or all of them.
what an amazing discovery.
and how reassuring it is to know that i have such an AWESOME GOD.
and i really do mean A-W-E-S-O-M-E with a capital everything.

Creed
by Steve Turner

We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during, and
after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy’s OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe that everything's getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there's something in horoscopes
UFO's and bent spoons.
Jesus was a good man just like Buddha,
Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher though we think
His good morals were bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same-
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of creation,
sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens
they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied, then its
compulsory heaven for all
excepting perhaps
Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Kahn

We believe in Masters and Johnson
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and
bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors .
And the Russians would be sure to follow.

We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that
is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth
that there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds,
And the flowering of individual thought.

He then adds this postcript called 'Chance'.

If chance be
the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky
and when you hear

State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!

It is but the sound of man
worshipping his maker.

Steve Turner, (English journalist), "Creed," his satirical poem on the modern mind. Taken from Ravi Zacharias’ book Can Man live Without God? Pages 42-44

i am enjoying every word of this book! its taken me a long time to read the first 44 pages, but its been worth it (: i really liked 'Creed' - especially the part that says:

We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth
that there is no absolute truth.

how scathingly ironic to use an argument that there is no absolute truth - the statement itself crumbles without any arguments to the contrary.

i also loved how Ravi Zacharias phrases his argument for God and ethics. he sums it up quite beautifully in this short paragraph:

It is true that not all antitheists are immoral, but the larger point has been completely missed. Antitheism provides every reason to be immoral and is bereft of any objective point of reference with which to condemn any choice. Any antitheist who lives a moral life merely lives better than his or her philosophy warrants. p32 of 'Can man live without God' by Ravi Zacharias

this is proving to be an excellent read. challenging, but definitely worth every minute. (:

i went to help out in crosswalk for the first time after one and a half months of traveling and being away from vic over the weekends, and i am so happy to be back. kids are awesome. hahahah. i was so happy to realise that my little grade ones hadnt forgotten about me and were as sweet and as endearing as i last saw them (:

this past week has been a week of getting into the groove of actual school, of readjusting to not having my friends and family around me after a month and a half of that. and definitely of realising how weak i am and how much more i need to grow. this week i realised that i do not love and trust and depend on Him enough.

this is something i wrote in my journal-

Lord im back at that place again, when im thinking about the kind of woman that You want me to be. You created me in the likeness of You, but im doing such a terrible job. sometimes im such a mess i dont know what to do with myself. how apt that as i thought about proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3:4 popped into my head, and my Bible happens to be turned to 1 Peter.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says "do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

i always liked that phrase. and incorruptible beauty. a beauty that nothing can defile. women have this obsession with beauty that i cant explain. all women desire to be beautiful. all women desire to be pursued. and if we're not careful, this desire to be needed makes us snappy, unloving, ungracious, un-everything good. sometimes i just wish that i could be a little more gracious, a little more loving, a little more giving, a little more patient, a little less emotional and a little less needy. a little more like that woman of strength and courage i saw in esther. a little more like the woman of love and faithfulness in ruth. a little more like the woman of faith i see in mary. women that didnt need the affirmation or approval of anyone but drew all the good within them from the Only One that we need.

this week i learnt alot about myself. and im hoping and praying that in time some things are gonna change right here in my heart. (: