i loved this post

I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I want her to turn to Me in her loneliness. Only because I need for her to lean to and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own way and forget about Me, her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things because I love her. (Psalm 84:11 and Romans 8:32)

especially the paraphrases of the above 2/3 passages. psalm 62 is a very special psalm to me..and this paraphrase brings out the exact lessons of life i learnt in the process of making this psalm personal to me.

i am very very blessed..haha on a side note, i finally finally got my one and only for the rest of my life chanel bag YAYE! haha i also L-O-V-E my new stars cd, the songs are amazing and they make me happy.. (: (:

i likeeeee this song, its called 'my favorite book'
i was always late, you never afraid, that we could be falling
all our friends would say, maybe we should wait, but they cant see what's coming
and to this day, when everything breaks, you are the anchor that holds me
and that's why we'll always make it.

my ipod shuffled to this song while i was on the bus on the way to the ferry terminal today. its a funny song, really. haha the way the life story of this man is told, its kinda hard not to laugh. but then it got to the serious part.. where the man realises that his life is almost over and admits that he needs the Lord.

You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"

i started tearing when it got to this bit..like an idiot i know. but i did mostly cos i know how that feels. the story of my life- i try and try and try and when i realise i cant do it on my own i get on my knees and there i find..just forgiveness.

the song ends on a wonderful note..there's a beautiful instrumental bit, and then Jon Foreman from Switchfoot sings, as Jesus-

I am the Way
Follow Me
And take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Light
And for Me you'll live again
For I am Love
I am Love
I, I am Love

I am love. could it get more beautiful? (:

im a little tired..6 hours to get from victoria to vancouver cos of the insanely long bus rides and the almost 2 hr long ferry ride. plus, i dont like flight delays! but i think i need to learn to be thankful.. for the good things. and learn, from the bad things. and not complain, not get mad, just trust and be patient, and it will all be okay (:

ive been thinking on 2 Corinthians 12. 'My grace is sufficient for you' - that has to be enough. (:

my life is perfect. IP law is done and over with, thank God. finished all my papers and im just.. taking a breath now. after awhile of rushing around. haha.

"...For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10

so yesterday i was reminded of the importance of keeping focused on the Lord. because in and of ourselves, we are not simply tainted by a little bit of sin, we are absolutely destroyed by it. it has become a part of us - such that selfishness rises each and every time something doesnt go our way. particularly in the context of serving the Lord, much to my dismay, church politics come up all the time, and ive heard so many say thats the scariest of all dissensions. because this is supposed to be the body of Christ. if anyone knew, we should be the ones that know better. because we have a God that has given us unconditional love, He also requires us to love unconditionally - He knows we'll never be able to do that perfectly, but He wants us to try.

i loved this post on lotsofscotts, so aptly tied in to what i saw playing out before my eyes yesterday. this is exactly what He means us to cultivate. a love for each other. a love that doesnt say 'i dont like that about you', that doesnt keep picking and picking and picking till theres nothing left.

we were never meant to love in pieces. we were meant to love in WHOLE. im one to talk, ive a millionbilliontrillion miles to go before i ever come close. but i try. i do my best, and though i might not succeed all the time, im a little closer. (: speaking of unconditional love- i think there's a fence in my life that i need to mend. i dont know how im gonna do it, but i do know where im going to find the determination, strength and courage to do it. but for now.. i need to pray and find all of the above. haha. any prayers will be much appreciated.

im off to bed. remember, dont love in pieces. (:

this is what aunts shared with me from youth conference..

- first problem: we always expect God to answer our prayers the way we want Him to
- so we pray, but the answer isnt always a straightforward matter of yes, no or wait
- so Paul prayed, 3 times, and God didnt seem to be answering. Paul was strong, but he was at his point of weakness.
- but Paul should have always understood God's grace. Paul, of ALL PEOPLE wrote about grace, experience God's grace that put him into ministry
- so he told God -- take this infirmity away so that i can serve you better

Paul prayed, 3 times. and he got 1 answer from God, this-

2 Corinthians 12
9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

and this was God's reminder to Paul - dont you think I know what you need? afterall, I was the One that put you into ministry..

this is God saying to me today - dont you think I know what you need? afterall, I was the One that brought you this far in life..

so maybe, just maybe, this is all the answer we need. its just that sometimes our strong will and desire to take control overrides all of this.. and we forget to just say "Lord give me grace. please give me grace." and you know what? this grace is perfect, in weakness. perrrrrrfect. that is such a consolation to me..cos i know that the Lord sees me as i am, with all my flaws and weaknesses and inabilities. and yet He promises His faithfulness and gives me His love every single day of my life.

today i watched the closing session of youth conference.. i heard the songs and it really made me miss bethany sosososo much. and miss home. and miss everything that is familiar. and i guess it reminded me that the next 5/6 months of my life is gonna be a great journey of learning what it means to trust the Lord.. when He's all that i have.

rach and redemption's story. 10:26
auntssss send me some encouragement pleaseeee

a. (lin_aileen@yahoo.com) 10:26
wert
26:27
"my grace is sufficient for u"
26:34
hee

rach and redemption's story. 10:26
hahahaha
26:59
i read that already!!!
27:00
one more

a. (lin_aileen@yahoo.com) 10:27
but that's precisely the lesson
27:26
that we're always asking for more... when what God has given is already more than enuf!
27:29
cool huh

how true, how true..
so, i have an EU law exam tomorrow. my notes are pretty much in order, ive finished the assignment. maybe i just need to breathe for a second, close my eyes and appreciate everything i have. and stop asking for more.

My grace is sufficient for you. that's my reminder tonight. thank You, Lord.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

tonight i was reminded of psalm 139. i remember deb fung came to ac once- and she put music to the words of this psalm and its in my head to this day.

How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

the harmony of these two verses still ring in my head. that is the most beautiful part of the psalm to me (aside from i am fearfully and wonderfully made. haha). i will never be able to fully understand or comprehend the Lord. but to be given this glimpse of the mind of God through the mind of Christ is a privilege and a blessing that is amazing.

so today i experienced again what it means to be able to commit my life and emotions to the Lord. its not easy to give up control of your life and your everything, but i think (and hope haha) that im learning. slowly, but surely. and on a very wonderful note, praise God i am seeing signs of answered prayer. it will probably be awhile till i see where exactly He is leading me, but its such a comforting thought to know that He's there and He listens.. to every single one of my prayers. be they serious and deep ones, or the little things i say when i walk on the street and just..talk. haha.

i watched a little bit of yc chairing this afternoon, and they sang this song that zomg aunts we sang at yc last year!! i remember! ed, sam, ade, aunts, kathy.. it was such a wonderful experience serving with you guys. we're not together now..and we're somewhat round the globe, haha. but ade and i are serving with you in spirit. praying for you and i know the music ministry is gonna be fantabulous.!!!

and i'll gladly lay down all my crowns, for the Name by which im saved.
Redeemer, Savior, Friend.

today i have two thoughts on trust - one with regards to trusting God, and one with regards to trusting humans.

what does it mean to trust God?

for me, that means that i believe that He has a perfect plan for me. doesnt mean that the journey will always be smooth, doesnt mean that it will be good times 24/7, doesnt mean bad stuff doesnt happen. but when they do i can hold onto what i know to be true - that God is good and righteous and He does not intend to afflict me with hurt just for the heck of it. to know that He is all-knowing and wonderful and that every trial i face in my life has a reason. and that translates then to believing that in these moments of pain and trial, that He will provide me with the strength that i need to get through these difficulties of life, and that He also possesses the power to heal my heart.

what does it mean to trust someone?

trusting someone means that you believe that they will always do what is best for you. place you before themselves and their own interests. that they will be there for you and pray for you and not give up on you, no matter what. so its hard, to really trust a person.

i never quite understood the fragility of trust till sometime this year, when lots of things began exploding in my face. hahahah. trusting people has never been a big issue for me in terms of telling people information about my life - ive never had problems with that, my life is pretty much open to people haha and i generally share with a lot of my friends the struggles i face in my life. but over the years i've realised that trusting people without thinking can be dangerous. it leads to hurt - sometimes to yourself and sometimes to others.

there are few people in the world that i can say i really do trust. and if there is one person in the whole world i can say with absolute confidence would do just about anything for me, i know that person will be my mom. (mom i know you stalk me and youre reading this so haha i love you! but doesnt mean i love daddy or mark any less ok.) so maybe i dont understand everything everything about my mom, but through 21 years of my life she has loved me and cared for me and been there for me. i think the point in time when i realised that was when i first came over to canada and got sick with food poisoning and started thinking, if i was back home mommy would bring me to the doctor..cook me fish porridge.. check my temperature every hour..take me to the hospital at 2am at night.. i know that i can trust my mom cos i know she loves me, and as far as possible, she will always be there for me.

trust is something that must be earned. and just by being my mom, i automatically put my trust in her cos shes just.. my mom. and she has proven to me time and time again that shes never leaving me. sadly, i dont think my mom can say she trusts me like i trust her, cos i dont think ive done for her quite as much as she's done for me. so over days, weeks, months and years, as the friends i have slowly earn a place of trust in my heart, i know that i must do the same for them. its over time and testing and proving that you earn someone's trust - break it once and it will never be the same again.

i remember this phrase from somewhere, i think its contract law - relationship of mutual trust and confidence. trust involves knowing someone thoroughly, understanding the person's quirks, the person's dos and donts. and most importantly, trust involves love between two people. (and i dont mean sappy bgr love, cos thats just a load of crap but real love grounded in a common love for the Lord.)

but of course, as humans, we could never match up to the divine. we can never trust another human being like we trust God. and of course, we never should - unless you want to fall on your ass and start crying. but it should come..without making you over-dependent on another fallible human being, for it makes you able to love with the love He placed in your heart - and that, is a really wonderful thing (:

on a slightly irrelevant note, on the 3 hr bus ride from indianapolis to chicago, i was just thinking about how boys are so much less emotional than girls and how thats just insanely unfair cos we get affected by the little things that "dont matter" from their point of view. but ive come to the conclusion that feeling a lot has many benefits too. for one, it enables you to love more - it allows you to empathize with others, cry with others without looking "weak". and in some ways i think it draws you closer to the Lord cos youre better able to feel Him and love Him. thats not to say boys dont, but thats just some of my thoughts.

i took more photos of snowflakes today.. and it amazes me that this little speck of ice falling from the sky, falls down in different shapes and sizes and each one has its own amazing, intricate design. what made God take so much care to make creation glow? He could have made it black and white, and we'd have never known. everytime i sing that song i cry..but im sitting at the airport waiting for my flight and im too tired to cry. ahahah.

God has been so good. He sent me a nice friend from poland who helped me get to the train station from the bus station, who lent me his gloves when it was kick-ass freezing and under 0degrees. and He has taught me to count my blessings - i have to spend the night at the airport and wait for my flight at 7am tomorrow morning. but there are homeless people here who sleep at the airport every single day. i need to count my blessings.

im gonna end here..i miss bethany, and i wish i was at youth conference. miss you all, have a great camp, the Lord will bless it as He always has year after year. praying for you all!

what a blessing to my heart.

may i receive Your mercy, Your love, Your peace and Your instruction with grace.
trust is such a very, very, very hard thing to learn. 21 years of living. 21 years of worrying. and i just dont ever stop. even though i know and i have experienced all of God's goodness. in the form of physical and spiritual blessing, of healing, of grace. my cup is full and yet i always worry, and im always scared of the what if, what if, what if.

i know it hurts Him to see me like this. deep down in my heart i know that He has the power to heal me in my hurts, change me in my trials, and give to me all things as i desire if it is in alignment with His will. and yet me, sinful, wretched me, just cant see it.

today i begin praying. praying with all my heart that i will find courage and trust to move forward with a faith that is sturdy, grounded, steadfast in Christ. the cornerstone, the foundation, the rock that never moves, never changes. the One that is the same yesterday, today and forever. yet at the same time my heart is full of thanks for all, for everything. i just gotta stop worrying about tomorrow and rest my eyes in the present - give all i can give, and receive with a full (not heavy) heart, all that i can receive.

oh, my God is a great God.

that was pretty much the end of my post, but i just received an email from ed with this excerpt from CS Lewis' mere Christianity

The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says "Give
Me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so
much of your work: I want You I have not come to torment your natural self,
but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a
branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't
want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand
over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as
well as the ones you think wicked-the whole outfit. I will give you a new
self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become
yours."

at 12am i prayed a five minute prayer for a peace that passes understanding and to be able to reconnect with the Lord the way i wanted to. its now 3am and my heart is fuller, cos as much as my human self tells me to worry, the other part, the part that ive learnt to give to the Lord is pulling it over and telling it, God is in control.

today i Biblegateway-ed this phrase "what can man do to me" in a bid to find the section of hebrews that quotes this phrase from the psalms. and i came across this verse that i havent read in a long time-

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." -Hebrews 13:8

and i was just thinking abt my missing the flight experience. haha. God is fair. i spent the canadian thanksgiving wonderfully.. i had fun, i gave thanks for the fullness of blessings the Lord has outpoured on my life. i spent the american thanksgiving sleeping on a couch at the airport. the Lord has taught me to give thanks in abundance, and in need. He has reminded me when i have founded by joy in the gifts He's given me, rather than in Who He is. He has reminded me that there is a plan for every portion of my life.. though sometimes when its hard i stop and question, i am thankful that i am reminded of my God Who never changes.. yesterday, today and forever.