i re-found this beautiful hymn yesterday when i was flipping through the century praise that my parents bought me for my birthday [just in case someone thinks i koped it from church ;p] and the words just remind me all over again of the newness of life believing in Him can bring (:

once it was the blessing, now it is the Lord
once it was the feeling, now it is His Word
once His gift i wanted, now the Giver own
once i sought for healing, now Himself alone.

all in all forever, Jesus will i sing
everything in Jesus,
and Jesus everything.

once 'twas painful trying, now 'tis perfect trust
once a half-salvation, now the uttermost!
once t'was ceaseless holding, now He holds me fast;
once 'twas constant drifting, now my anchor's cast.

all in all forever, Jesus will i sing
everything in Jesus,
and Jesus everything.

once 'twas busy planning, now 'tis trustful prayer
once 'twas anxious caring, now He has the care
once 'twas what i wanted, now what Jesus says
once 'twas constant asking, now 'tis ceaseless praise.

all in all forever, Jesus will i sing
everything in Jesus,
and Jesus everything.

once it was my working, His it hence shall be;
once i tried to use Him, now He uses me!
once the power i wanted, now the Mighty One;
once for self i laboured, now for Him alone.

all in all forever, Jesus will i sing
everything in Jesus,
and Jesus everything.

once i hoped in Jesus, now i know He's mine;
once my lamps were dying, now they brightly shine!
once for death i waited, now His coming hail;
and my hopes are anchored, safe within the vail.

all in all forever, Jesus will i sing
everything in Jesus,
and Jesus everything. (:

its a beautiful, beautiful hymn. (: as i reflected on how the past two months have been, i realise how often i've been guilty of all those listed above, to name a few- seeking just healing, painful trying, anxious caring, constant asking. and as i considered once again the same idea of trust, letting go and letting Him, i know that i am guilty, so guilty of not trusting as i should.

theres a particular lesson that i dont seem to have learnt, and i keep going through the same kind of situations over, and over and over again. different people, but SAM SITUATION. and as i identified that fact last night i asked myself, WHY do i make myself go through crap over and over again? if i would learn my lesson, become a little bit wiser from the pain He puts me through, maybe He wouldnt have to throw me in the deep end and force me to swim so much. haha kenneth said thats what he's been trying to do to me rie and ben. throw us in the deep end and force us to swim. and if i dont learn even after being thrown into the deep end, He hasnt any choice but to keep teaching me the same lesson over and over again.

and SO, i decided that i should stop it. i should right now purpose in my heart that i will respond differently this time, i WILL learn from past errors and i will not repeat my stupid mistake. and i will be wise and i will always, always, not just in word but in deed and action put Him first above all else.

the next challenge coming my way is the a level results. i can just envision myself freakingggggggg out on that day. but as i considered what my preparation would be, what my response would be as i sought Him, as i professed trust in Him, i do pray for perfect peace, and that fear will not grip my heart and make it fall into the pit of my stomach the way it usually does when i get nervous or scared. i am practising being in much prayer now. and gradually, i know i am really beginning to believe so much more in the power of prayer and not taking it so much for granted.

to change something in someone, one day- for Him. (:

Lord, i see the things You ask of me
faithfulness, holiness and purity.
i love Your truth, i want to show it to the world for You.

and Lord i need Your help to understand,
the other person that i sometimes am.
and i never want to live a day
where i cant say to You-

"Lord, whatever You ask,
i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart.
Lord, whatever You ask,
i know that You can give me wisdom,
and courage to equal the task,
Lord, whatever You ask."

everyday i face so much that steals away
the will to make the time to serve and pray
but when i look around i find that You're right there,
providing me with the strength i need!

"Lord, whatever You ask,
i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart.
Lord, whatever You ask,
i know that You can give me wisdom,
and courage to equal the task,
Lord, whatever You ask."

haha its MONDAY but i refuse to let monday blues set in. haha although i was kinda sleepy this morning but well, thou shalt not let the evil one take control! its amazing what prayer can do when You seek Him and really trust that He's gonna provide and He's gonna bring you through each and every trial, no matter how tough crap it may be. these past few days i've been especially driven to pray for some of those around me, and feeling the burden in my heart for souls of those i love is a very special burden that i never want Him to take away.

just went for Pastor's father's wake and the message was on psalm23. learning to trust, and letting your only joy, only hope be that you dwell in His house always, in this life and the next. and watching Pastor preach that message brought great joy because i know in His heart is the assurance that his father is with the Lord and that alone is enough to take away any amount of sorrow. and when i consider those around me that do not know Him, i want to work till i have that sweet assurance that even when this life is over, they have eternal life in the next.

and thats what i pray for, everyday.

funorama 06 was today! haha it was CRAZY as usual, hot like anything crowded like anything, ripoff like anything- but fun nonetheless. haha its really good bonding for classes and stuff and its such a happy/crazy atmosphere it makes you go abit crazy too haha. the games were quite hilarious haha i played a game to scoop out marbles from a pail of water using this pathetically small spoon haha and all i won were sweets -_- daniel's stupid dart stall was even WORSE weibo threw the dart right OVER the board goodness man i almost died. haha. ah man has learnt the fang fei ji concept and she ditched me the whole morning! haha selfproclaimed jessica alba. heh i met mrs soong! and she was telling me from now till the opening ceremony of the physics olympiad in july i:

1. cannot develop any pimples
2. cannot put on weight
3. must practise pinning corsages.

and im like whaaaaat! haha i shall die helping out. but oh well His grace is sufficient ;) much, and more.

how do you share the love of Jesus with a lonely man?
how do you tell a hungry man about the bread of life?
how do you tell a thirsty man about the living water of the Lord?
how do you tell him of His Word?

how to you tell a dying man about eternal life?
how do you tell an orphan child about the Father's love?
how do you tell a man who's poor about the wondrous riches of the Lord?
how do you tell him of His Word?

how do you tell a loveless world that God Himself is love?
how do you help a man who's down to lift His eyes above?
how do you tell a bleeding man about the healing power of the Lord?
how do you tell him of His Word?

people who know go to people who need to know Jesus
people who love go to people alone without Jesus
for there are people who need to see,
people who need to love
people who need to know God's redeeming love.
people who see go to those who are blind without Jesus
and this is people to people, yes,
people to people
all sharing together God's love.

when we sang this song at the choir gathering just now, it reminded me of bethany's emphasis this year on evangelism. and i guess this theme got me so much more conscious of the need and the urgency of reaching out, especially to those i love and hold dear to my heart. i think i find it especially hard to talk to friends that do not know the Lord and my grandfather when i visit him every week. cos in the course of our conversations, somehow someway it always strikes me that 'hey this person doesnt know the Lord, DO SOMETHING.' and everytime that thought comes to my mind my heart just falls into the pit of my stomach. and while it hurts knowing that someone i love does not know Him, i know how much more it hurts Him. i wanna be Your hands, wanna be Your feet- i'll go where You send me, go where You send me and i'll try to touch the world like You touched my life. each time i pray for my friends and my grandfather it reminds me again and again of how blessed i am to know Him, how blessed i am to be serving in the ypg comm, how blessed to be able to sing in the choir, to be planning the kids outing. on days when there are so many things to do and life gets so overwhelming, im learning to pray for strength, strength and joy to bring me through.

the joy, the peace that passes all understanding. because i have been given the truth, i want those i love to know the truth, too.

on the way back from church, this poem came to mind. its called 'my friend'.

My friend, I stand in Judgment now
And feel that you're to blame somehow
On earth I walked with you day by day
And never did you point the way.

You knew the Lord in truth and glory
But never did you tell the story
My knowledge then was very dim
You could have led me safe to him.

Though we lived together here on earth
You never told me of the second birth
And now I stand this day condemned
Because you failed to mention Him.

You taught me many things that's true
I called you friend and trusted you
But I learn now that it's too late
And you could have kept me safe from this fate.

We walked by day and talked by night
And you showed me not the light
You let me live and love and die
You knew I'd never live on high.

Yes, I called you friend in life,
And trusted you through joy and strife
And yet, on coming to this dreadful end
I cannot now, call you, my friend.

i remember the first time i heard this poem, it was at youth conference 2001 hm i think the theme was 'established in the faith' haha forgive me if im wrong my memory is baaaad. but anw i remember singing 'crucified with Christ' with the youth choir that conference and i remember crying while we presented that song. not i, but Christ that lives within me. His love will never give me more than i can take. and that poem hit me hard. but over the years, i've felt this drive to reach out dwindle when i go through trials and the three people i think of are just me, myself and i. but when teacher deonna challenged sss people to reach out this year, i wrote down the names of three friends that i've committed myself to praying for and caring for this year. and i dont want this to just be about me, myself and i, NO MATTER WHAT i go through. when results come, i dont want to stumble, i just want to stand in faith, no matter what lot He gives me. i want to stand strong so i can tell the people that i love that the God Who loves me loves you too, let me help show you the way. not just because its a command in matthew to spread the gospel, but because i love you, He loves you, and i pray for you everyday. (:

Woke up early this mornin'
Made my coffee like I always do
Then it hit me from nowhere
Everything I feel about me and you
The way you kiss me crazily
Baby, you're so amazing

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

I guess I'm just falling
Deeper into something I've never known
But the way that I'm feeling
Makes me realize that it can't be wrong
Your love's like summer rain
While it's flowing along the way

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

It's only been a week but
It's more than enough for me
You're making me believe that
You're the one for me

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder

haha i came across this song in cel's ipod at work today, haha and despite the fact that i keep singing it cos the tune is so catchy, haha i think its really strange and it dont make sense. haha but crazy songs are funny to sing! hee find joy in funny songs haha

haha i was on the way to work this morning and I REALISED ITS FRIDAY! this week has really flown by and i think its a veryvery good thing cos being conscious of Him and learning to rest in His grace no matter how many crazys there are around me is very good therapy for the soul. haha. and im out of work! so i was helping cel's buddy churn out tax comps the whole day and i stared at the ETS (executive tax system) until my eyes almost DIED. but i am sooooo happy to be home and im so glad the weekend is here (:

haha and yaye! funorama tmrw so niceee and ypg after ;) i still have my memories of funorama in our year. haha crazy banner-painting with jin and jun (the most i remember wasnt the banner but carrying ujin's niece at his house haha), eating all the jellies that half the class slaved over making, eating free ice kachang (that was really quite tasteless) from our class store! haha so funny. and i really do miss that time, but well we've all grown up and whaddya know a level results are out soon!

haha. sorry i just had to do that but, finding joy nonetheless haha. was telling rachel and irene yesterday that if i dont say they can ask me my results they shdnt cos that will mean badbadbad haha but really. i think no matter what i get, im gonna be proud to say it to anyone who asks cos to me, its a symbol of His grace and infinite mercy that got me through the entire long arduous process. now, the test is to stop myself from freaking out everytime someone says "a level results". haha, much prayer- always ;)

ooh i've been trying to practise alot of love and patience at work this week, but its been extremely extremely hard. seeking to be so much more conscious of His presence even when crazy people screech at every little mistake and never give any room for error even though we've only been doing this ONE MONTH when they've been doing it their ENTIRE LIFE gah. now i know how cel really feels.

t aileen challenged us during prayer meeting on monday to choose a thought from the message to dwell on for the week and i chose strength. and the joy of the Lord truly is my strength. haha i was listening to hillsongs on my ipod when crazy screeched and after i returned to my desk while doing some breathing exercises and all, i sought to find much strength in the Lord and He gave me the peace and calmness and joy that was just enough to restrain me from throwing crazy into the paper shredder or smth. haha no la! just kidding. haha mandy and i have paper shredding dates everyday at 515pm haha its just enough to keep us sane haha i said i just imagine the evil people are being shredded then i feel alot better hee. NO IM NOT THAT EVIL. haha but mandy said during lunch that i shdnt get affected when people talk to me like im the stupidest person in the world cos i made a mistake or smth haha cos she said such people need to make others feel small to make themselves feel big! haha SO i shall bear that in mind and just focus hard on Him. but of course sometimes i am extra extra careless so i shall practise what pastor mitch taught me to look within myself and fix my faults before blaming it all on crazy (:

learning to dwell on His Word is an amazing skill that im still struggling very much to cultivate, but i guess its through experiences with excessively insane people that i learn what it means to seek, what it means to put into practice all that i've been learning from His Word. (:

"i have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies, as much as in all riches." -psalm119:14

haha but im still thankful that most people at work are nice and i have nice people in my row haha plus cel and mandy yaye (: but we're gonna ot like crazy soon! so yea i must brace myself. haha anw valentines day yesterday was SAD haha no la not really i got to go to church! haha but on the bus to church every 5metres i saw a couple so after awhile i gave up trying to admire scenery, better to read the Bible heh.

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

i must go through the valley, to stand upon the mountain of God. (: haha maybe i'll face even more crazys in my working life in the future so this is a gooooood building block for me to build a rock solid foundation of strength through finding joy and being as think-skinned as i could ever be such that nothing can get me down ;) its amazinggggggg that its already wednesday, and the weekend is coming soon! praise the Lord ;) haha

just had dinner with joey quek and as usual he knows all the gossip HM sometimes i wonder if thats good or bad but anw. it scares me the things people do nowadays and doing strange shd-not-be-mentioned things are NORMAL and im like whaaaaaaat. but cel mandy and i talked about it during lunch one day and actually it is true that if we didnt have the Lord, thinking just the way the world thinks would be an extremely high possibility. thanking Him that we truly are blessed to know Him as we do, and theres NOTHING that anyone can do to take away that joy He has put in my heart (: [ps: no matter how many crazys i meet ;)]

It's the hope I know, the grace You show
Thats drawing me closer, drawing me closer
It's the peace I feel, it's Your love so real
That's drawing me closer

And my heart beats with pure amazement
Every time I feel the tender touch of Your love
Drawing me closer

and i will go through the valley, just to stand upon the mountain of God. (:

Look at this photograph,
everytime I do it makes me laugh.
How did our eyes get so red,
and what the hell is on Joey's head.

And this is where I grew up,
I think the present owner fixed it up.
I never knew we ever went without,
the second floor was high for sneaking out.
And this is where I went to school,
most of the time had better things to do.
Criminal record says I broke in twice,
I must have done it half a dozen times.
I wonder if its too late,
should I go back and try to graduate.
Life's better now than it was back then,
if I was them I wouldn't let me in!

Every memory of lookin' out the back door,
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.
Every memory of walkin' out the front door,
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.

We used to listen to the radio,
and sing along to every song we'd know.
We said someday we'd find out how it feels,
to sing to more than just the steering wheel.
Kim's the first girl I kissed,
I was so nervous that I nearly missed.
She's had a couple of kids since then,
I haven't seen her since God knows when!

Every memory of lookin' out the back door,
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.
Every memory of walkin' out the front door,
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.

I miss that town,
I can't believe it,
So hard to stay,
So hard to leave it.

If I could relive those days,
I know the one thing that would never change.

Every memory of lookin' out the back door,
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.
Every memory of walkin' out the front door,
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for,
It's hard to say it, time to say it,
Good-bye good-bye.

Look at this photograph,
everytime I do it makes me laugh.
Everytime I do it makes me..

haha i like listening to this song while i work. i dunno its a little strange at some parts but haha it gets you into a really nice reminiscing mode. i was just thinking about all the good friends i've had since kindergarten. haha alicia was my best friend thru kindergarten and im sure i did my fair share of traumatizing her cos i was one BIG terror but anw yea after i met her again in sec4, i realised how we're all changed but still, i always remember the strange things we used to do (: i dont remember what kind of friends i had from p1 till p4 but i do remember a girl called kelly coming over to my house and we messed the entire place up my dad almost throttled me haha. yuhui and yanneng were my best friends from p5 till p6 and then.. i dont know what happened but well, things changed. haha from sec1 till 2 i dont know what friends i had too then i had cel and mandy from sec3 to 4 and rieruthjiajing. haha honestly? i dont understand how a guy and a girl can be really good friends for years. cos most guys dont have the patience to cling on to friendships no matter what nonsense they say about trying so honestly, girls are the best friends you could have. haha maybe im biased and though i dont think i've had a 'charmed' life that i think some people have, i know i've been greatly blessed through the friends that i have. and i am so thankful to have cel and mandy at work now cos i would just kill myself over tax computations if i was alone.

okay so i thought about it and im pretty sure im not a very forgiving person. maybe i try to ignore but i never forget. thats why i find it so hard to trust people who've done things 'against' me before. and thats something that i know i HAVE to bring to the Lord and i have to bring to Him and deal with everyday. its a challenge, a big one. i've been reading psalm119 and i've memorised v1-13 aside from the occasional holes in my memory haha but im still seeking to be so much more conscious of Who He is to me and His presence throughout the day. most days at work i end up feeling reallyreally bad cos work gets so EURGHHH that i just sit and stone and theres no joy. but He's put a song in my heart and i know i can find great joy in that and everyday i want to be a mirror of His heart. how? seek, trust. i read luke11 today that has the same verse as matt7:7 "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you."

seek, and you will find. JOY! (:

i cant stop falling in love with You. (:

She's cold and she's cruel
But she knows what she's doin'
She pushed me in the pool
At our last school reunion
She laughs at my dreams
But I dream about her laughter
Strange as it seems
She's the one I'm after

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep comin' back for more
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for

She can't keep a secret
For more than an hour
She runs on 100 proof attitude power
And the more she ignores me
The more I adore her
What can I do?
I'd do anything for her

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep comin' back for more
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for

The way she sees it's me
On her caller ID
She won't pick up the phone
She'd rather be alone
But I can't give up just yet
Cause every word she's ever said
Is still ringin' in my head
Still ringin' in my head

She's cold and she's cruel
But she knows what she's doin'
Knows just what to say
So my whole day is ruined

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep comin' back for more

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep comin' back for more
Oh, I keep comin' back for more
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for
Just the girl I'm lookin' for

I'm lookin' for
I'm lookin' for
I'm lookin' for
Just the girl I'm lookin' for

haha this song is SO funny but i like it haha but i think its so strange especially the part about how 'she knows just what to say so my whole day's ruined' im like HUH who wants a girl thats like that man heh.

work is getting less stressful and im learning to find much more joy in work! haha listening to funny songs and trying to sing as softly as possible to avoid getting killed by people around me haha but sometimes i cant stand it i just wish everyone would disappear so i can sing whatever i wanna sing. ahaha and im so thankful that horrible sore throat is gone, reallyyy thankful!

im on the book of mark now and it really is amazing how the Lord spoke about the kingdom of God, about His Word through things as profound as parables. i think parables are just about the hardest to understand because the are so..deep. and it scares me, what it says in mark4:12 "seeing they may see and not perceive. and hearing they may hear and not understand. lest they should turn, and their sins be forgiven them." God has the power to harden our hearts and im so afraid to ever go near that, ever. i want to always find joy in His Word, i always want to desire to seek Him and know Him as i should.

its amazing, really. how He works. (: i want to make sure He's all i want, all i need, now and always. (: