spa is so annoying everyone else has ended! and here we are..studying for spa. grrr haha but im good influence jolene wanted to go out but i wouldnt let her so we studied..SPA. the horrid, evil spa. oh HELP i really dont feel like studying anymore and i just need to find His strength and willpower and press on and not give up!

haha i remember t chen kee telling jia and i last sunday about james1:18 that we are the FIRSTFRUITS of His creation and today i just came across it again and just meditating on it and psalm138:8 [still haha] gave me the strength for today (: math was really, really REALLY terrible. i've never done so a horrible paper in my life! halfway through i was like. all ready to cry. and thank goodness i caught myself in time and i just stopped doing the paper and i prayed and i told the Lord that im gonna trust Him no matter how horrible the paper gets and just make the most out of it and yea i didnt cry haha (: i had this really really bad mental block i couldnt remember how to integrate 1/x2 and i just kept staring at it and the other cosecx question that i just couldnt do..and goodness the curve sketching one where i didnt even sketch the graph at all and alotalotalot of others that were just..terrible. but yea! after i prayed i wasnt so kan chiong anymore and i just felt His peace [see philippians4:6-8 the peace that surpasses ALL UNDERSTANDING!] and after awhile it just kinda came back.. and like ten mins before the end of the paper i saw the light! and i saved myself about eight marks from the cosecx question.. haha and i reallyreally do see His grace and im just reallyreally thankful and even if i still fail, its OK i will trust and just work harder the next time so i can do all the horrifyingly difficult class tests we get in class haha (:

and well today i learnt a big lesson about trusting Him with my life- AND my math results. and regardless, though im stressed and pretty troubled over this and crap, walking with Jesus there is no greater thrill! walking with Jesus calms my heart like nothing else will. (:

all i'll ever need.

Some days I'm fragile
Some days I'm stronger
Sometimes I just want to run
But Your tender mercies gently pursue me
When all is said and done

Where else would I go
Who else could there be
No one but You, Lord, can see
Can see all of me, oh
You opened my eyes
Oh, how I believe
In everything You are 'cause You are
All I'll ever need

My heart's full of questions
The future's uncertain
But I'm gonna stand on what's true
'Cause I have discovered
A love like no other
The love I've found in You

okayyyyyyy i am finally online. grrrr school and terms are so disgusting cos it drives you mad rargh/. been sick the past few days too my throat seriously feels like its being stabbed from all directions by evil germs with pin-like swords and oh man OUCH and my poor nose..thats the result of being stupid and eating sting ray with chili when you already have a sore throat. badbadbadbadbad and i spent the last few days feeling headachey and sleeping alot! and i am dead for terms grr

but its OK haha i am learning to be thankful amidst all these disastrous circumstances andddddd not get angry when people think i skipped school when im SUFFERING AT HOME -kicks- and even though its very trying to study inflation or do integration when the bed seems so welcoming i am still trying..and really this morning's qt was justjustjust amazing. i think i havent really taken sufficient time off to read His Word and wait upon Him for the past like few weeks, i've forgotten how much joy and satisfaction it brings in just sitting there alone and abosorbing whatever He tells me like a sponge- and THEN when im fullyfilled, entering the day just doesnt seem so dreadful anymore. (:

this morning i went back to day1 of the purpose-driven life [cos i finished all 40days yaye! :D] and looking up the references and really absorbing the essence of what His Word can give to me was refreshing and an amazing new experience and REMINDER that He really is IN CONTROL. job12:10 "for He holds the life of all living things and the breath of all mankind." and for a moment there i just paused and thought about what it meant for Him to hold in His very hands the BREATH of ALL MANKIND. and thats too big a truth and too big of a wonder for me, for any of us to fathom, and i just thought. nothing else matters, really it doesnt- nothing else matters cos He is EVERYTHING. He should be my everything. and im ashamed to say that im far from being able to say that He IS my everything. cos the things of the world often draw away my focus from Him and take me away from what i should be doing everyday of my life- worshipping the Lord in everything that i do. and thats a thought that i really appreciated from the purpose driven life in the later days, that worship is not singing, not the 'thing' you do before you receive the message of God's Word from the pastor- its EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of your life. everything you say, everything you do, should always be an act of worship that will bring glory to Him in every way. and it's tough, really it is, but there is always strength and joy in His Word. rivers of living water! and i remember what it says in 1john5:3- His commandments are NOT burdensome. and thats exactly the way the horrible, disgusting, incidious evil one attacks us cos he makes use of our sinful nature to pull us towards what we are inclined to do- and psycho us to do it. but haha yaye my ephesians verses again eph6:10-20 to learn to put on and fight with the full armour of God and to never, ever ever ever give up.

"for to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is LIFE and PEACE." -romans8:6

everything means nothing- if i ain't got You!

terms are in TWO days. i must quit being headachey and keep on keep on studying cos theres no other wayyyyyyyyy and i will try [veryvery hard by His strength :S] to do it well for His glory.

beautiful, beautiful, Jesus is beautiful. and Jesus makes beautiful, things of my life. carefully, touching me, causing my eyes to see- Jesus makes beautiful things of my life. (:

behind those hazel eyes.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore..

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes.

haha yaye i am a kelly clarkson fan! heh. been listening to her cd alot and at this point in time alot of her songs really seem to apply which is not very good. but seriously i think this is the millionth time the Lord is trying to teach me the lesson of not depending even on the friends that are closest to me cos they always, always fail you. its a painful lesson to learn especially when it suddenly hits you in the face and you dont know what hit you. but yea unless i learn this lesson of full dependence on Him im gonna keep going through crap like that until i reallyreallyREALLY learn that lesson.

humans are out of point and stupid cos even though we know so very well that if we first give Him preeminence in our lives, we will be able to take on every circumstance no matter how trying or difficult, WE DONT. and thats exactly what i do all the time. and its so silly cos at the end of it i realise that all He wanted to do was to get my attention, hold my hand and walk with me.

"i will love You o Lord my strength. the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer. my God, my strength, in Whom i will trust. my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." -psalm18:1-2

haha from sunday school where liling jolene and t aileen were fiercely advocating psalm18 and of course the memory verse for the week and its been an amazing source of strength [including the purpose driven life :D] and i just want to keep at it. i admit im tired, im drained, but at the end of this long road, i'll see Him face to face- and that is my reason to live. (:

walk, change, fight. remember? (:

shucks im really really tired and really really frustrated.. went to get clothes for my brother for chinese new year and oh my goodness he made me so angry i left the shirt we bought somewhere on the bus or at the bus stop and it took sooooo much out of me to refrain from yelling and i dunno exploding or something. took a bus back to the bus stop and i couldnt find it and i just kept telling myself pray for peacepeacepeace and everything just seemed to be messing up and all i ran for the bus and the bus left, then i was typing a message then the bus zoomed pass me and i didnt have time to flag it down -_- aiyoooooo i wanted to go home and scream into my pillow or something. but then i remembered something pastor told us really long ago- to learn to laugh at ourselves. and seriously i mean ok it was stupid of me to leave a thirtyfive dollar shirt on the bus but at least i learnt something.. moral of the story: ALWAYS STUFF YOUR SHOPPING BAGS INTO YOUR BAG. heh but really i have lots of things to be thankful for like 1. i didnt put my wallet into the shopping bag which i usually do 2. that mom and dad werent angry at all and called from kl to tell me not to worry and alotalot more things

im tired and all but i know i have so many things to be thankful for and i want to learn what it means to trust, wholly and fully depend on Him and just abide in His love. for one i get to go for ypg tmr! so i will be thankful. (:

and i will be strong! fight on satan cannot beat me down.. grrrr haha

and i love You, Lord. i will take the narrow gate, the difficult way which leads to life- down any road, at any cost. (: