HAHA i made 14:13mins for 2.4 today.. talk about God's grace i was just hoping to make it before 16:10 which is a c :D

i've got predominantly two things that're bugging me and i daresay im glad its not anymore cos these two are already more than enough and im not exactly sure how im gonna place these two huuuuge burdens down at His feet. i've been trying, committing, praying but somehow, theres just something inside of me that refuses to let go.

theres just this void that i can feel is getting bigger and its nobody's fault but my own that this self-created rift through all the distractions in the past few months cant be closed. if i spoke to myself now i wouldnt be able to tell that im a Christian. its gonna take alot of effort on my part to bridge the gap and im knowingly backslided the past few months. i've got alot to learn, but strength, still i want to finish my race, with joy (:

heh i just heard 'a slice of life' on 93.8 and heh i thought it made alot of sense haha so anyways heh (: i guess there are specific things that really bug me from time to time but im really glad to say it doesnt so much anymore.. well not the huge things anyway (:

and even though im really tired/drained physically [2.4 tmr! im gonna dieee :'(] im gonna make it through this. i know i will. never had and i never will have any qualms about that- cos He wouldnt have placed me here, if He knew i wouldnt make it (:

you cant change me, only You have the power to change me, to what i was born to be (:

so many things have been happening the past few days/weeks the nicoll highway collapse, sars again, terrorists, CANNIBALISM [sorry i just came across this article about some guy who chopped up and boiled his friend], landslides goodness knows what. and i know this all points clearly to one fact- the end times. and i really wonder what'll happen to suddenly we're all raptured [heh how cool that'll be!] then i wonder what He's gonna say to me when i see Him. "well done good and faithful servant"? or t chenkee's horribler version "well done thou good and backsliding servant"? strange heh but i know i've fallen alotalotalot especially in the past month or so when things started to go abit off and they just didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. lessons you draw from bad times are just so much more impactful than lessons you draw in the good times, probably cos it hits you so hard it not only leaves an impact, it also leaves a scar. but the greatest promise is that He heals our broken hearts (: theres a God-shaped hole in all of us..and a void ONLY HE can fill (:

"but none of these things move me, nor do i hold my life dear to myself, that i may finish my race with JOY and the ministry which was given to me by the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." -acts20:24

my new favorite verse! (: struggling very much with inner voices and horrible incidious satan's attacks and HORRIBLE STORIES zhiheng likes to tell in school about some girl who committed suicide and used to sit where we sit in the lt now! nah just kidding :D but no matter what, i will remember MY God is greater than all of these, and i will finish my race with joy, every part (:

Saviour, teach me day by day

Saviour, teach me day by day,
Love's sweet lesson to obey;
Sweeter lesson cannot be,
Loving Him who first loved me.

With a childlike heart of love,
At Thy bidding may I move;
Prompt to serve and follow Thee,
Loving Him who first loved me.

Teach me all Thy steps to trace,
Strong to follow in Thy grace;
Learning how to love from Thee,
Loving Him who first loved me.

Love in loving finds employ,
In obedience all her joy;
Ever now that joy will be,
Loving Him who first loved me.

"Father into Your hands i commit my Spirit" its amazing how He works and He gives us only what we can take. received news about pastor's cancer on thursday night and even though it came as qte a shock somehow i wasnt very worried cos i knew that He would lead him thru it and come what may, the extent of trust would still be there (:

still learning very much to commit and lay my burdens all down at His feet, like t chiew said, its a daily decision to take up my cross and follow Him.

heh my two favorite songs tune-wise now perfect by simple plan and my valentine by martina mcbride.

I try not to think about the pain I feel inside did you know you used to be My hero? All the days you spent with me now seem so far away and it feels like you dont care anymore. And now I try hard to make it I just want to make you proud.

I just want to make you proud. and it really makes me appreciate so much more His love for me and each one of us. now i try hard to make it, and i just want to make You proud. and how amazing it is to know He never has and never will stop loving us, no matter how many times i disappoint Him He will never stop caring and when i try hard to make Him proud, whether or not i fall, He will be (:

He has never asked for my perfection, all He asks is that i put my heart and soul into loving Him and trusting the One that first loved me. when i struggle i sometimes ask myself, is it too much for Him to ask that of me? its too little. the debt He paid for me was far to great, and its one that i can never repay. should the whole realm of nature be mine, that would still be a present far to small. this, demands my life, my heart, my soul, my ALL.

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

He always hears me, He always feels for me. nothing lasts forever- just His love (:

nothings gonna change what You did, nothing ever.

i must try very hard not to get disillusioned and confused the moment i go back to school tmr and keep learning and trying very hard to trust that what i think i need and what i want now may not be whats best for me.

no greater love has a man than this, but to lay down His life for a friend (:

finally got to watch the passion of Christ yesterday and heh im just glad they let me in and they didnt even check whether i was eighteen but anyway (: i was horrified at the brutalities involved in the scourging and all but those werent the parts that really hit me. the flashbacks on His teachings and everything were really looming so huge in my face "no greater love has a man than this, that to lay down His life for His friends" to love one another, as He loved and still loves us. "if the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you."


when mary ran up to Jesus [ok i dont think that was exactly Biblical but anyway] and touched His bleeding face and told Him "I am here" whoa it was waterfall like crazy. if His earthly mother could love Him this much, what more His Father? o teach me what it cost You Lord, to make a sinner whole. and help me understand anew the value of one soul.


the inhumanity of the entire process of crucifixtion was..indescribable. the first time the hammer delivered a blow on the huge nail Jesus cried "Father forgive." and i dont think thats a scene that im ever gonna forget. in that moment of intense agony and pain He forgave us and prayed for us, what more now?


if He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders, i know my brother that He will carry you (:


but my favorite part of the whole movie was the last scene, where He arose (: death no longer has dominion over me and every believer, cos my Lord arose (: because He lives, i can face tomorrow. because He lives, all fear is gone. because i know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives (:


without His resurrection, His death would not hold that equal and incomparable meaning it does today. and it really got me thinking about what my life has been like the past four months in jc and all. and i know sometimes i dont want to admit it but i've changed, we all have. and the kind of problems i've experienced in my walk and the distractions and temptations i face are so different from the sheltered and, well looking back somewhat minute problems i faced in sc.


and this is just the beginning. im pretty sure within the two years in jc i will watch people whom i love now and call my friends evolve into..not very nice individuals. and its a really horrible and sinking feeling when you see people do things that you thought they would never do and the extent of hurt really cuts. and im learning, from such situations not to place my joy in external factors [for the, what millionth time?] and its a lesson i know im gonna have to keep learning until the day that it really gets etched onto my heart and i never forget.

when i look back i always wonder "what if." what if i did this, what if i said that, what if i tried a little harder. what if. but He never meant for us to live in regret so im trying to say "therefore" and "i will still" more often :D because He loves me, therefore i TRY to love others and love Him in return. because He died for me, therefore i have salvation and i want to bring this wonderful truth to those around me. even though the what ifs might have led to a different situation, i will still walk with Him and trust He knows whats best (: all i can see is this road in front of me, but He sees what will happen thousands of miles down, and He knows better than i (:

give me Your hand, and i will follow. wherever You would have me go. give me Your sign, and i will go quickly. for Your sweet fellowship to know. as night follows day, as rainbow follows rain. Your love to me, is sweet as nectar, and i to You will love, the same.

1. Peter was crucified head down in Rome, 66 A.D.
2. Andrew was bound to death. He preached until his death in 74 A.D.
3. James , son of Zebedee, was beheaded in Jerusalem by the sword. (Acts 12:1-9).
4. John was banished to the Isle of Patmos, 96 A.D. (Rev. 1- 9).
5. Phillip was crucified at Heirapole, Phryga, 52 A.D.
6. Bartholomew was beaten, crucified, then beheaded by the command of a king, 52 A.D.
7. Thomas was run through by a lance at Corehandal, East Indies, 52 A.D.
8. Matthew was slain by the sword in the city of Ethiopia about 60 A.D.
9. James son of Alphaeus, was thrown from a pinnacle, then beaten to death, 60 A.D.
10. Thaddeus was shot to death by arrows, 72 A.D.
11. Simon was crucified in Persia, 74 A.D.

1corinthians16:13-14 "watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. let all that you do be done with love."

Lord, wont you reign in me again (:

Love ever gives,
Forgives, outlives,
And ever stands with open hands,
And while it lives it gives.
For this is Love’s prerogative
To give, and give, and give.

bleh im gonna faint and die from studying chem maybe i should've taken fmaths sigh. but its okayyyy haha come what may i was placed here for a reason and i am determined as ever could be to make the best out of it :D

pastor's away in perth so pastor mark gave the message today on just these few words in mark15:34 "eloi eloi lama sabachthani" and its quite horrifying the way people yank it out of context some strange guy even wrote a poem entitled "my God my God why have you forsaken me?" its not an easy thing to explain but i thought pastor mark did qte a good job so (: yup reference to psalm22 how it was a fulfilment of the prophecy in that psalm, that Jesus said those words to help Him counter satan's attack on Him and not succumb to it cos as the psalm progresses His trust in God is still obvious and it should neverrrrrrrr ever be mistaken that He actually meant that God had forsaken Him. He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders in His nail-pierced hands and feet. if the sin of one man [eg murder] could send Him to the gallows what more the whole world?

and alot of times i find myself focusing on external factors to keep myself happy [friends/family/goingout] things like that. and when that happens i really fail absolutely horribly in my walk and all. and alot of times incidious satan makes use of horrible feelings to push me down and whack me up so i cant walk well with the God who loves me so much but YES victory still heh a verse jon shared with me qte awhile ago 1cor10:13 no temptation has or will overtake me except that which is common to man. whatever He gives, a way of escape will be provided, that i will be able to bear it (: corinthians RAWKS heh but my favorite book is still james (:

finally going to watch the passion of Christ friday i think gotta prepare my heart before i step into the cinema so yup hopefully i get in (:

learning so much more what it means to trust He's been teaching me this lesson countless times and i want to really learn it well and GOOD so i can learn greater and bigger things about His kingdom. the basis of faith in Him is love for Him, fear of Him and trust in Him- which, i intend to learn (:

if He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders, i know my sister that He will carry you. if He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders, i know my brother that He will carry you.

He said "come unto me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest."

life's getting more and more tiring each day im severely zonked out from long days and chem lectures where our lousy lecturer goes "everything ok?"-interval of one second- "ok lets move on" he ANSWERS HIS OWN QUESTIONS and the most horrifying bit is that theres a chem test on thursday and i know nuts about the topics that're gonna be tested hurm waimay and i sit at the back and talkandtalkandTALK about everything but chem during chem tutorials and its good cos its life enriching views and experiences but it occurs at WRONG TIMES so basically im dead for chem but yes im trying veryyyy hard and im notsodead for maths now cos im getting ap/gp and the other two topics so yes i think i hope very much with His grace that i can work up at least a 70percent in the chem and math test so yup pray hard and chiong hard and i will keep my mouth shut during lectures and tutorials hai

yupyup but aside from studies which really is the least of my worries now i've got like.. six things on my agenda all to which i have absolutely no idea how to deal with. but 2cor1:8-10 and 2cor4:16-18 have been vvvvvvv big sources of comfort for me through this time so claps for His infinite wisdom that placed these verses there :D though the outward man is perishing, the inward man is being renewed day by day. to THAT i am in total agreement im just about dead from sprinting and doing that tricep whatever thing on the bleaches but yesss definitely a challenge to learn to look to Him each day and just learn what it really means to trust (: there are days when i really feel like i cant..but even in days when i give up on myself, He hasnt given up on me and He's still working on me (:

its nice to hide verses in your heart cos when you feel like burying your head in a pillow and crying/screaming like crazy it keeps you still cos it reminds you that the peace of God and the God of peace are BOTH, with you (:

"therefore though our outward man is perishing, our inward man is being renewed day by day. for our light affliction which is but for a moment is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2cor4:16-18

we went to record songs for ndp today heh how cool is that man and the guy there said the ac choir is the best! woohoo we rockkkkk heh but yup what i appreciate alot about the choir is that we attribute everything we do to Him and its just a nice feeling to hear it, though i really hope whoever says it really means it

so yes im gonna chiong for math now and try to keep myself sane reading His word (:

i thought i chose the surest road, but You know better than i (:

the concerts were really great and YES really a reason to give thanks for His amazing grace in keeping us all in tune and keeping the cds from deciding to slip a beat (:

heh and alot of rubbish justin tawsf and leow tried to cheat me into.. and trying to find a nice backpack and ending up wanting to buy alot of other irrelevant stuff. and missing the chance to watching the passion cos of the horrible whatever that made me sleep the whole of friday but really amidst the fun and well half being sick, managed to read through the three out of the four accounts of the gospels, not done with mark yet which i will finish tonight! and appreciating so much more what it meant for Him to say "Father, FORGIVE them.." I wont let you sink, no, I forgive you.

i've learnt my fair share of lessons through this easter and it really is a challenge to place all i've learnt into practice. the kind of things that've happened so far are just plain crap and it gets so extremely frustrating when i know i should shutup and i cant. im just really confused cos i KNOW we were meant to live victorious God-centred lives which encompass Him in ever aspect and though i know my parents believe well, sometimes i really wonder what the extent of their conviction is. it just hurts when they tell me things that really just make my heart go alllllllllllllllll the way down. and everytime i talk to them about such stuff i always end up crying sometimes i yell when they yell sometimes i just sit there and cry cos seriously theres just no other way for me to take it and after that i just get so confused i cant think straight.

just alot of things to deal with all at once but i have to learn. i want to follow Christ and i want to STAND ON MY FAITH. im not gonna give it up and whenever i feel like my will and heart are gonna shatter into pieces i mustttt remember we were meant to be victorious and i will not give up (: Christ the Lord is risen today, Alleluia (:

that horrible feeling has yet to go away i've a million things to think about and im not done studying gp bleh im gonna die but nvm if i get everything sorted out, its gonna be worth it (:

ouch my stomach hurts tired and cranky :'(

trying v hard to keep focused when the concert's like.. a few hours away. hope the horribly yucky feelings will just go away and i'll stop feeling sleepy and lethargic yesyes pray for strength (:

not really scared about tonight which is a good thing so yups gonna give it all i've got and really appreciate what He did for me this day 2000 years ago (:

its a happppppppyyyyyy day, and things are gonna get better, living each day by the promises in God's word (:

"be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them. for the Lord your God He is the One that goes with you, He will not leave you, nor forsake you." -deut31:6

i miss you

but i'll survive (:

shoots im going back into missingmode I MISS SC ALOT whine

im bearing the consequences of some of the choices i made and i guess its His way of teaching me lessons that otherwise i would never have learnt. i believe whatever happens is for the best and im gonna make it through this stronger, and more grounded in this God who loves me thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much (:

my sin has been nailed to the cross of my Savior (:

i hope you dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance..
I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.. I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.. I hope you dance.

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
Where those years have gone.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance.. I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.. I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.. I hope you dance..

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder
where those years have gone.

its a beautiful song and exceptionally apt at this point of time. i still remember when germ suddenly passed me this song in the middle of class and i fell in love with every part of it cos it was just sososo beautiful. and its just littlelittle things like these that remind me He hasnt given up on me. i will give faith a fighting chance, i dont ever want to lose that sense of wonder, and i wont let some hell bent heart leave me bitter.

pastor talked about forgiveness during todays msg and i know this is one message i wont ever ever forget. recent happenings and all scrambling my brains and messing up my mind and i realised the biggest part of it was that i was unable, unwilling to forgive. pastor talked about how we always take His forgiveness for granted, i go to Him and say "Lord forgive me" and more often than not, dont mean it with all my heart. Jesus said before He died "Father, forgive them.." -luke23:34 then pastor asked us to think of one person that we were unable to forgive cos of the hurt they've inflicted on us. and the ache in my heart was caused by my unwillingness to forgive. the time, the effort and the prayer it took me to forgive one person is as much as it took Him to forgive me. so much talk about the passion of Christ and the extent to which He suffered.. i think if i do go watch it i'll be traumatised for life. i mean seriously. and anyway forgiving that person put this huuuuge load off my heart, maybe that person doesnt need my forgiveness, but i need to give it anyway (: learning this lesson of what it means to forgive another the way He forgave me this easter- my sin has been nailed to the cross of my Savior.

giving me greater reason to sing this easter with a renewed sense of JOY and gladness cos He loves me and He died for me. HE AROSE! and i will follow Him (: He was born and THERE WAS LIGHT sing hosanna, praise Him praise Him. i will try not to be scared when i hold the mike my heart will not want to fly out of my chest when i hear those few notes i will look into the light and all the people in the sanctuary will disappear, and i will stand in His presence and sing for no one but Him (: and i WILL NOT BE SCARED ANYMORE

this world is not my home,
i'm just passing through,
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue;
the angels beckon me from heaven's open door
and i cant feel at home in this world anymore.

the shadows deepen, and my heart bleeds. i will not question the way He leads. this side of heaven, we know in part, i will not question a broken heart. i'll hide my heartache behind a smile, and wait for reasons till after awhile. and though He try me, i know i'll find-

that all my burdens are silver-lined.

"be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them. for the Lord your God, He is the one that goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." -deut31:6

im seriously hung up on this line from phobic 'I wont let you sink, no, I forgive you.' there is a longing, only You can fill. theres alot of stuff to deal with now overload of information which includes three chapters of physics and alot of rumours and rubbish i've been hearing and i know i really, really wouldnt have been able to survive without Him.

i see very obvious differences when i live with my whole life focused on Him and nothing else, and when i subconsciously choose to base my momentary happiness on the people and things that happen around me. and it really is a challenge to make it my daily commitment to try my best to walk in His steps each and everyday. been qte touchy lately and i've gotta tryyyyyy to fix that remember fruit of the Spirit (:

yes, I saw what you did- I was right there with you, I wont let you sink, no, I forgive you.

gotta rememberrememberremember

that was your choice, this is mine.

this feels like some horrible silent movie re-run i feel like i've been through this all before the same thoughts, wrench at the heart, confusion and its all so horrid i just dont feel like dealing with it. it just bothers me down so bad sometimes i really just dont know how to deal with it.

amidst all the crappiness and all deep down inside my heart i know He never ever gives me more than i can take but sometimes when i so enjoy sitting on my butt and feeling sad in my own little hole it doesnt seem very much like reality. i honestly never expected it to be this bad but anyway it IS this bad so i just gotta learn how to deal with it.

ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you- matt7:7 during one of the free pw periods i went over to the bleaches and just started reading my Bible, came to psalm31:24 "be strong and of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord." and that was like WOW for the first time in a long time my heart actually stopped trying to outrun me and there was just.. stillness. and that was just bliss. i mean seriously it was amazing. that was a simple taste of the kind of peace He can give and the joy He can give and because of sin i often forget and i just like totally lose it and thats something i was NEVER meant to lose when i have Him. we're supposed to live VICTORIOUS Christian lives and im just sitting here feeling so horribly subdued

i got a lesson to learn through this, a price to pay and an experience to take away.

I wont let you sink no, I forgive you.