life's not easy to understand. theres alot of things to comprehend cos you see how situations intertwine and somehow.. they just arent separate and different. sometimes i really confuse myself. went to ruth's house on saturday and flipped through her new 'travel book' and i think it was from that moment that i realised how easy it is to slide back and fall into what we were in sectwo- completely clueless about His love for us and the one and only main reason why we live. haha i think the only big difference between the two of us is that she pens down her feelings in POEMS -faint- and extremely artistically and crap i suck haha i just cry :'(

and the thing is that. i've been walking in and out and in and out of dark tunnels in my life ever since around febuary this year and i look at myself im inconsistent, im a HUGE WHINER, crier, i've got a short temper.. and the list goes on and on. in my dark periods i let the darkness cloud my view and i push Him away telling myself i dont need Him and im perfectly 'happy' and 'self-sufficient' watching crappy movies, listening to crappy songs and eating crushed oreos with ice cream. when i walk out of one of the many tunnels i've been through the past few months, somehow the light comes through and i realise what an idiot i've been, walking away from the one thing that really mattered. and i come back crying and He always takes me back. always.

and one of the things that i really cannot comprehend is this. k well theres this couple in school and i know the girl decided she liked two guys, one who was her current boyfriend and some other guy from dunno where. and her boyfriend knew it and he accepted it when she said she needed time to decide between the both of them. i've seen them together again recently and somehow that brought alot of warmth to my heart cos i knew that well he loved/loves her. ALOT. and although she chose to walk away and place him 'on hold' when she chose to come back to him all he said was 'ok', and welcomed her with open arms.

so maybe its not exactly a bgr thing, but i see the very evident similiarities between my relationship with Him and that. cos honestly if i were the guy i'd just be like. 'please go and die im sorry i dont want you anymore' and i'll never, never NEVER understand how you can forgive someone just like that. that really is love. and thats the kind of love He gives. the kind of love i know i will never comprehend and the kind of love that i want to learn to practise and hold onto.

"but above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection." -colossians3:14

and loving others will never come easy unless you first love Him. if you cant love perfection, if you cant love the One who died for you, how can you love people that turn their backs on you when you need them, and never give you anything in return?

by this they will know. if we only love the lovely, and those we call our own, or if we give expecting something in return. if our mercy has a limit if our reach has an end, if our favour must always be earned. what makes us different in the world's eyes, where is the proof that we belong to Christ? by this they will know who Jesus is, by this they will know that we are His. if we give of ourselves, as He gave Himself for us, by this they will know Him. they'll know Jesus by our love.

finding it especially difficult to learn to love some of the people around me and somehow trying to maintain my 'happiness level' on my own just makes me really tired. the JOY level has to constantly increase but alot of times i just mope around and refuse to let that joy overflow like it was meant to be.

and i dont wanna be a flame, wanna be a RAGING FIRE. tired of my will my way, Your callings higher. and its time that i stopped running from the truth, so i'll stand here still until im filled- i wanna be moved (:

I REFUSE TO LET INSIDIOUS SATAN TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE I AM GOD'S CHILD AND NOTHING WILL EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER change that. these are the times when i go through dark tunnels and i feel down but psalm30:5 joy will always come in the morning! (:

and Your amazing love, is unconditional.

Your peace it floods my soul, its supernatural. and Your amazing love is unconditional. Your joy it overflows, its supernatural. and Your amazing love is unconditional (:

for the first time in like THREE WEEKS i went out today. i just cannot believe what a nerd im becoming and yea its just mad. i am a nerd! -faint- but really its gonna be a big challenge to make sure that nothing takes priority over Him and that studies will not be one of the distractions or whatever you call it. i wanna make it liek the o's period being so very clear that He's in control and when i study i study for Him and not for my own glory. and somehow, someway, everything will work out just fine (: in fact it worked out more than fine and im just reallyreally thankful still for my o level results (:

had lunch with glori at nydc.. and did alot of crap! ran around trying to find a present for her brother and we ended up with this black pen with gold engraving O____o irrelevant but that really is what working people use! so heh went to east coast after and i studied alot! amazing i never used to be able to study in crowded places but now its fine so thats a good thing (: heh while rie decided to sit on the beach and draw stuff until it became TOO DARK TO DRAW and i wanted to faint cos i had a camera and she happily drew moving things O___o tsk haha but its ok dear i still love you

own me

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.

Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

He gives too many second chances and sometimes our heart condemns us and tells us we are unworthy to return to Him. which IS true but the fact remains that His love is neverending and 1john3:20, He is greater than our hearts (:

break me till i'm only Yours.

wouldnt it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

50 first dates is such a spastic show.. heh but its funny anw but i like this song alot! haha the lyrics dont make sense neither do i agree with a majority of the song heh but its ok cos i like singing it and jumping around :D but yupppp just sang weird and 'kinda disgusting' songs for about six hours and my throat really is parched and dry ouch. haha reading the left behind series so my mind is kinda half off the pain so it doesnt hurt nearly as bad when i swallow so (: its kinda scary to read about all the stuff that will happen in the trubulation years and i really dont want to live through that. although it would be kinda nice to see people will the mark of the believer and watching non-believers come to Him in repentance and believe. now wouldnt that be nice? (:

haha ok so out of all the songs we're singing and recording my FAVORITE one is this:

one SINGAPORE, one nation strong and free, with one heart, one voice, we make our history. we are rainbow of a thousand colors lighting up the sky, we share the SINGAPORE heartbeat, together you and i. we are one SINGAPORE, one nation strong and free, a thousand different voices, sing in harmony, we will stand together, together hand in hand, as one united people, singapore- my homeland (:

HAHA then i thought of a bethany version! ok so im not very much of a song writer i just replace words using my lousy and limited vocab but who cares i tried!

one BETHANY, His people strong and FREE, with one heart, one love, He makes our history. we are rainbow of a thousand colors lighting up the sky, we share the BETHANIAN heartbeat, together you and i! we are one BETHANY, His people strong and free, a thousand different voices [anniversary a thousand tongues! -grin:D], sing in harmony [only within the heart ;p], we will stand together, together hand in hand [make a world of difference! (:], as His special people, bethany- my homeland (:

hehee i admit MY VERSION SUCKS and homeland sounds kinda lame but i cant think of anything to replace it so, HEH. i am so unoriginal and ripping off ndp songs but anw i love singapore -is patriotic- and i love bethany too! (:

call me beautiful

I've been waiting
For a hero who's brave and strong-
Someone to love me,
Someone to tell me I belong,
So I pretend I'm satisfied,
And I stand watching from the sidelines,
Till You pull me into the light
And say, "It's Your turn now,
Welcome to your life!"

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys to unlock my soul
Oh You call me beautiful

There's a smile on my face,
And a brand new light in my eyes,
It's a new day,
And I've never felt so alive-,
I feel as if I could conquer anything,
Oh thats what Your love has done for me,
And now all I want to be,
Is everything You want me to be-

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys
To unlock my soul, But I didn't know-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know that
You call me beautiful

The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You and to hear You call me beautiful
Call me beautiful-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know-
Now that I know that
You call me beautiful.

Heaven is counting on you, run with a heart that is true. carry the cross, reaching the lost, Heaven is counting on you.

i really want to have true meaning in my life and i though i know that having Him as my centre should always be the focus, i reallyreally want to have a full, true understanding of what that means. what does it really mean to share this truth that i have with others. i've read about too many deaths in the newspaper.. way too many. when i was looking for gp articles the other day i accidently flipped to the orbituary page and i saw two orbituaries for thirteen year olds, both boys. another day in john little i saw this boy in front of me, barely fifteen with only one leg. and its really times like these that i really wonder how i can do Him proud and win some souls for Him and remember how truly blessed i am. in every part i can simply say i have a life closest to Heaven and perfection than it could ever be, cos i have Him. there are people richer than me, prettier than me and all the things external but all i want to be is a girl after God's heart. and for me, there are more than enough spiritually beautiful models in church to follow, so thats what im gonna do (:

theres no such thing as an ordinary day. -wink

love song for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language

Someday she'll understand
the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"
"I want to fall in love with You"

its been clearly evident to me that i've pushed Him away from me and filled my life up with the things that dont matter, in the end. studies, people, everything else but Him. and sometimes it really gets discouraging when i, knowingly choose to turn away from what i know is right. its like this big glass bottle, God is the huge rock of salvation, and He should always have the preeminence and be the center of each of our lives. other things like studies, friends, family, are sand. if you place the rock in then poar in the sand, theres lots of room for everyone, and your life has a strong, firm foundation. but if you poar sand into the bottle and then try to fit the rock in, it just doesnt work. thats how my life has been the past few months. maybe its the transition from jc life, maybe its something else. but i know one thing's for sure, those were my choices and no one else's.

this road is winding, narrow and steep. and i cant keep walking with frozen feet. my spirit is not willing, heart as cold as ice, thaw out my convictions, the passion's left my life. and i dont wanna be a flame,wanna be a RAGING FIRE, tired of my will my way, Your calling's higher

and i know its time that i stopped running from the truth, so i'll stand here still, until im filled- i wanna be moved.

john21:7 i want to be like peter, looking to Jesus, and swimming towards Him, forsaking all else. peter was human, peter failed, he denied Jesus three times [which i pray i will never do] but he believed Jesus could forgive him, and i do too.

love keeps lifting me higher, closer to Him.