today was a rather uneventful day, save for the fact that i married a 6 year old boy who proposed to me with a newspaper ring and asked me to move to the wild wild west with him. hahaa.

after the sunday morning rush with the kids at crosswalk (busy, but always brings me great joy!), the rest of the day was pretty slow moving and restful. haha. that's kinda the life i enjoy.. (minus the work that i have to do, the quiz i have on tuesday and that deadline on thursday).

i watched the latest episode of greys that just totally made me cry! i think its these things about family and life and love that always come out so pointedly in the face of death. death that scares us in ways we refuse to admit.
after i watched greys, i listened to yesterday's evening worship message - on Abraham and how he trusted in God, that God had the power to raise Isaac from the dead. we have a God that conquers death itself, and i think that's pretty amazing. (:

im just really thankful that He hears all that i hold in my heart.. though sometimes words are not enough.
its been an uneventful day, but i have so many things to be thankful for.

today i met the worst mother in the world-

little girl: mommmmmm i wanna go homeeeeeeeeee
mother: guess what, youre a little kid. and little kids dont get a say.

WHAT kind of mother says that to her kid?! honestly. please slap me if you ever hear me say such a thing to my child. no child, no matter how bratty, deserves to be treated like that. my goodness, i had this urge to go up to that mom and give her a piece of my mind.

okay, that was the huge big BLOT on my day, but on to happier things.

im enjoying the singaporean-malaysian Bible study we started on friday! (: (4 singaporeans and 1 malaysian haha). well its not a Bible study per se cos no one is actually teaching us, its more like a discussion of our thoughts on certain passages. and it makes me hairpeeeee to be able to talk about the.. extremely deep concepts we find in Ephesians. haha.

the concept we never really got past is the concept of the "will of God". Ephesians 1:1. we aimed to finish Ephesians 1 and Ephesians 2:1-10 by the first session, but.. we only discussed Ephesians 1:1-2, and we arent even done yet. (rie and jus.. does this sound familiar?? HAHA. sunday school with t chen kee)

the million dollar question: what is the will of God for my life?

haha. ive been pondering this for the longest time. and right now, i dont think i know what it is. i know the guidelines with which He wants me to live my life- a life of righteousness, holiness, of peace and grace and love. all of which i can only attempt to do everyday with all of His grace and strength. but everyday when i wake up, i wonder what bearing my choices of that day will have on my future, how my life ultimately pans out. and in all of that im asking everyday, Lord do i choose path A or path B? which will be the best for me? which will glorify You?

and it's often not a simple choice. nor an easy one. nor a clear-cut one. its usually the choices between what is good and what is excellent, rather than between what is good and what is bad. for all things are lawful for us, but not all things helpful.

i had a momentary spiritual idontknowwhattodo crisis the other day. i thought through it, talked through it, and felt compelled to get on my knees to ask for help. to ask for peace. i havent been on my knees in awhile. its something that i want to learn to do often - for being on your knees brings you places. it helps you understand your position before God. it reminds you.. no demands please, requests only. and as i prayed i found this peace. a peace that i cant explain, a peace that passes understanding - just like He promised (philippians 4:6-7) (: and through the remainder of that night, i got to speak to two friends that gave me two varying perspectives of the same thing. i still havent found the conclusion to my unease, but i know that i have found a peace. and i know that as i keep praying, the Spirit will direct my way and i need not fear. for i have all i need to protect me in this Battle - the Lord is on my side. and added to this is an increased awareness from previously suffered pain that going against what you know to be true creates an instability of heart and spirit and a turmoil that, if not recognized and eliminated, will eat at you like acid corrodes metal, like termites gnaw away at wood and at the end leave you empty, wanting, needy, until He comes and fills you up to the brim again.

the beauty of it is that He always will, fill you up to the brim again. the question is, do you want to stay full or will you constantly allow yourself to be drained by the life-sucking vacuum of difficulties and heartaches, sin and strife?

i think i'd like to stay full, thank you very much.
if to stay full i need to fight every tip of the table the glass of my life is placed on, so be it. i will need all the strength i can muster and all the grace He can give. the strength to walk in the way i think He means for me, and trust that He will gravitate me back to where i belong in time, if He means that for me. (:

i absolutely love this (:

i just loveeeeeeeeeeee a capella! haha. sang this yesterday with a few others, along with true colors (joy! its a different arrangement from the reso one but its nice still!) (: today has left me with many many things to be thankful for. like i reached the high A at choir today!!! woohoooo!!! hahahha im quite happy about that hurhur.

i got a really nice surprise when i got home today, cos i received a really pretty postcard handmade by jing with a lovely photo and huge words that said 'CHAEL I MISS YOU' hahahahhaa (: thank you. i send you my love!

well this morning as i had my breakfast, i read Proverbs 2. and i began to see it in a new light (so thankful, another thing ive been praying about!)

v1 - we cant just read God's Word. we have to receive His Words, and treasure His commands in our hearts.
v2 - and when we do this, we cannot stop there. we must continue to incline ours ear to wisdom and apply our hearts to understanding.
v3 - it doesnt just stop there. you must cry out for discernment, you must lift up your voice for understanding!
v4 - that's not it. you must seek wisdom as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures.

v5 - after you do all of the above, THEN you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.

wow. it just amazed me - look at what we must do. we cannot simply open the Word of God and expect things to stand out to us. we must do a whole lot of receiving and seeking and inclining our ears and crying out! i stand rebuked as i read all of this, for oftentimes i dont seek Him as i shd. but as i venture into each day of my life, im finding the Lord revealing more and more of Himself to me. my insecurities and my fears fade away and i am complete in Him. i need no one, i need no thing to define me. just Him, and me.

God is so good!

Life is beautiful
We love until we die

When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let them also see you smile,
Let them see you smiling.

Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.

When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?

I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.

It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for a moment.
There's a lot that we can give.

the music team for greys anatomy has got to be the best in the world. they choose the most amazing songs by the most obscure bands.. haha. listen to this.

i set aside some time today to read Ephesians 1-2 and proverbs 1.. both of which almost immediately took on new meaning to me. you know how it is.. when you pray and He hears you. its beautiful (:

Ephesians 2:1-3 He has made me alive. why? Ephesians 2:4 He is rich in mercy and His love is great. Ephesians 2:8 He has outpoured on me abundant grace.

so thank You, Lord!

today i took some time to read the first part of ephesians, and i was really struck by what i read. the Believer's Bible classified these as the 11 blessings of the believer-

Ephesians 1
1. Blessed v3 "blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ"
2. Chosen v4 "chose us in Him before the foundation of the world"
3. Predestined v5 "predestined us"
4. Adopted v5 "adoption as sons"
5. Accepted v6 "accepted in the Beloved"
6. Redeemed v7 "redemption through His blood"
7. Forgiven v8 "forgiveness of sins"
8. Enlightened v8,9 "made known to us the mystery of His will"
9. Given an inheritance v11 "in Him also we have obtained an inheritance"
10. Sealed v13 "sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise"
11. Assured v14 "[the Spirit is] the guarantee of our inheritance"

im sitting in front of the very lovely fireplace of the home im staying in and taking it all in. this morning as i sat on my bed preparing myself for the day i asked for wisdom. i asked for strength and perspective, i asked for stillness, direction and grace. when i take a moment and just close my eyes and remember Who He is, my heart cannot deny the reality of His presence. flashbacks from the moments in my life that i will never forget.. when i hear Him speaking to me. when He assures me that it will all be okay. when i let go.. and for that moment i am free from the clutches of sin and all the things with which the evil one seeks to ensnare me.

we all have our "issues". one of my issues, is, a (rather distressing, i think) lack of trust. i know that He is in control. i know that He has my life planned out for me. i know its all good and i know what i need to do. but ask me to sit and wait for it to happen.. and i find it so hard to do that. goodness knows how many million hours of turmoil of heart and mind and spirit i have had to sit through questioning and questioning, doubting and doubting, not knowing and NOT TRUSTING. it is honestly quite horrifying for me to see myself in these various states of minds when i look back and i see so clearly how He has been there for me. it is honestly so, so, so difficult to just let go and let Him. even i just experienced the most amazing answer to prayer just a few days ago. i am a horrid human being! haha. what a realization. sick :/

when i got home today i ran right to the fireplace to get some warmth from the cold outside. and this song started playing...

it's still a mystery to me
how His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
how His ears have heard an angel's symphony
still Mary had to rock the Savior to sleep

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King, here with us
You're here with us.

i remember this song from Christmas, almost 2 years ago! my goodness. what a long, long time. but after all this time, it still has the same effect on me. it paints a picture of baby Jesus, my Jesus. such a beautiful, untainted, perfect picture. (:

today i had a "do you remember..." conversation with a friend. hahaha. it was really pretty hilarious as we looked back and recounted the past 4 years of our lives. all the what ifs, all the what could have beens, all the choices we made that seemed like the best thing to do then to which we go PLEH now. but as we talked, i thought to myself.. only He knows what could have been. and in order for Him to chart our lives the way that He did, there must have been a perfect, divine reason for all of it. some that i might see in years to come, others that i will only see when i finally go home. i also read this today, it almost made me go 'OH'. so that's the way my mom feels when she tells me she prays for me.

im doing some reflection on the past year.. reading my journal and some msn conversations. hahahha. its funny how much things have changed. its funny how the Lord has charted my life in a way that i myself never expected. i have so much to learn... so much.

(im sorry this post is kinda incoherent. :/)

this is really one of the nicest songs in the world!! this morning as i made my way to school, the song played and haha it put a beeeeeeegggggg smile on my face for the rest of the day (:

today was a beautiful day. the skies were a little grey, but the wind was light, the temperature was manageable, and there was hardly any rain. but i think it was most beautiful because of what i felt in my heart the moment i woke up this morning. you know that feeling you get when You have seen God's hand so clearly and so evidently in your life you just want to shout and rejoice and say 'PRAISE THE LORD!'? well, today was one of those days. it amazes me how He understands the inner workings of my heart, how He assuages my fears, how He shapes me through each and every heartache of my life. how He accepts me when i fall from grace. how with Him, there is always another chance.

i thank the Lord for bringing me through the toughest periods of growing in my faith. for providing me with the courage to stand firm in what i believe in, for teaching me to count the things of the world as loss for Him. for mending my heart in the periods of trials, and for the seed of faith in my heart. but most importantly, i am thankful for the Spirit's guidance in understanding the Lord's Word as i read. this is something that i never want to take for granted. for without His Word it's just.. dry. everything is dry. there is no purpose, no drive for living. there is, in essence, nothing.

i just re-read the sunday school notes sent out in our very cool sunday school chain haha. and the lesson addresses exactly what i have been considering.

The example of Paul

1. Prayerfulness

+ “always in every prayer” (Phil 1:4), “this I pray” (Phil 1:9)
+ Prayer is the means by which we talk to God and relate to Him…without it, how do we begin to know what God wants us to do?

2. Discernment

+ “abound…in knowledge and all discernment” (Phil 1:9)
+ Being astute in judgment is a trait to be desired, and a mark of maturity too

3. The ability to rejoice in adversity

+ “with joy” (Phil 1:4)
+ Paul was in chains in prison at this point, yet the curtailment of his freedom and suffering he experienced did not stand in the way of his inherent sense of joy in “He who begun a good work in you” (Phil 1:6)

(for this breakdown, credits to andrea, just in case i get sued for plagiarism hur)

prayerfulness - a lesson that i really need to strengthen! the influence of prayer in my life has to proceed to the next level. and i cannot let it slip back into a haphazard state of things - the way my prayer life used to be, in shambles everyday. and as i pray, i really do hope that i begin to see everything, especially the circumstances of my life from HIS eternal perspective. and that i will be able to discern His will in my life.. God only knows how much i need that right now.

but is is wonderful to be able to work forward, knowing that the Lord is in control. i had the privilege of being able to encourage someone today. and as i told him/her about how i have seen so evidently the Lord's hand in my life (especially in the past few weeks), my eyes started getting abit teary. haha. because that's just the way i feel when i know. and it is just wonderful to be able to tell others of this hope that i have found. what a joy, what a privilege. the crap that comes along the way are just side things that you have to learn to ignore - and keep your eyes fixed on the One that really, truly matters. (:

AND have i mentioned how extremely thankful i am that my macbook mike isnt really spoilt after all.. it truly is the Lord's grace. i know that He knows i cannot handle running around and freaking out over having to fix my lappie. haha (: now my life would be perfect if about 60dollars can drop from the sky so i can buy that necklace i want.. hahahha. OKAY enough covetousness.

today is a day of thanksgiving! (: my God is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

my materialism for the day -
THIS IS ALL ERNEST'S FAULT. coveting :(

THIS

i love love love love. i think i shd just not eat then maybe i can order them next month. now NO MONEY :( phoey. it is no fun being a poor student in a foreign land with no money. !!!!!

the thanksgiving weekend that just passed was possibly the most exciting weekend of my life since i got to victoria.. and i wasnt even in victoria! took the ferry over to vancouver where i actually got to do some sightseeing like a retarded tourist and take 100000000 photos of anything and everything. haha

after not having my laptop for 3 days and having to use an -ahem- extremely broken and laggy ibm (hurhur) for like 20mins a night, i was so happy to come home to my inbuilt webcam and excellent features and efficiency of my macbook!!! i really utilized skype and msn to the max. and i really do thank the Lord for the amazing-nesssss of the internet! cos its just so fabulous and wonderful! i love it! msn and skype are also the best inventions in the world.

but the thing that i am most thankful for is having good Christian friends that will listen to me, go HUHHHHHHHH with me, pray for me, encourage me, and rebuke me.

on the longgggg trip back, i spent part of it reading the book of proverbs.

i read Proverbs 28 again today, and that was really, amazingly apt. in line with some things i have been thinking about.

"Evil men do not understand justice,
but those who seek the Lord understand all."
- Proverbs 28:5

what a promise! ask and it WILL be given to you, seek and you WILL find, knock and it WILL be given to you. the condition to understanding is seeking. seeking with a heart that desires to find. seeking with a heart that wants to know. seeking actively with effort and diligence and perseverance.

"one who turns away his ear from hearing the law,
even his prayer is an abomination."
- Proverbs 28:9

what a clear, precise warning. his prayer is an ABOMINATION. if you rebel against the Lord, God has every right to get mad cos He is just and He is good. this verse scared me the first time Pastor preached on it, and i think that it shd scare you too. if it doesnt, be ready to face the pain and consequences. be ready to experience being cut off from God and pleading and pleading for Him to reveal His Word to you once again. of course, when repentance is genuine, He eventually will. but trust me, this is not a process you want to live thru. cos it S-U-C-K-S.

"He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife,
but he who trusts in the Lord will be prospered"
- Proverbs 27:25

trust. the mystery of the human heart and how it grapples with this constantly is something that will never end, will never be solved. but with each heartache, or each victory, you learn a little more about trust. a little more about the Lord. you learn to let go a little more, to trust a little more.

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool,
but whoever walks wisely will be delivered."
- Proverbs 27:26

have been reflecting on the lessons that i have learnt over this past year, and how i want to remember each one so that i dont make stupid mistakes again and cause myself heartache that i could have avoided. how i want to remember the goodness of the Lord and His faithfulness toward me. how i want to remember the pain ive been through that i may use it to encourage somebody else. how i now REALLY know that He is in control. feelings come and feelings go. i could be fired up and passionate to live for the Lord because of a sermon that was preached or because i had an epiphany on a particular issue. but how long does that last? it is the virtues of commitment, of faithfulness that will help you to last it out. it is grace and mercy and the Lord's love that will give you these things. its not the feelings. its never the feelings.

in terms of the marriage context, i love it when people describe love as a commitment. it is admitting that it will be hard, it is understanding that you will have to struggle and it wont always be nice and dandy, but its making a commitment, stepping forward in faith and trusting that the Lord will bless the path that you have chosen. (but of course, all this comes after much prayer and being able to understand the general will of God for Christian couples).

the book of proverbs is really pretty amazing. it has left me with so many things to consider. i think the next few years of my life is gonna be really exciting, really trying, but at the end of it i look forward to thanking God for His protection and faithfulness to me, just like i can now, looking back (:

so today it is 2degrees celcius and i was literally SHIVERING with cold the moment we stepped out of starbucks. but the cold and the walking and having to be out at night (that i hate to do cos it means i will freeze) was absolutely worth it.

do you know how special it is to find like-minded individuals, grounded in the Word of God, seeking after the same things that i am? i cannot explain how refreshing it is to just be able to talk freely about situations and struggles in our lives (and to be reminded that im not the only one that suffers from i-need-to-try-to-take-matters-into-my-own-hands syndrome hur) and to just look at each other and say 'i dont understand how people do this without God!'. i have been praying for a long time.. and its absolutely amazing how God answers prayer.

incidentally, the cherry on the top of the cake is that amidst all this amazing wisdom and fellowship, is that what we talked about tonight is exactly what i have been fretting about these past few months, and have recently come to terms with in my heart. and you know, our God is an amazing God. He doesnt leave us in the lurch. He helps us when we try to seek Him. when we want to trust Him.

today i was talking to a friend, and we got to talking about the concept of trust. these past few days so many questions keep popping up in my head - what if this, what if that, what if, what if, what if... and then i realised. trust is THE answer. it isnt AN answer. it is THE answer. then there will be less questions. or rather, the questions wont matter so much anymore. cos then you take it one step at a time, using the Lord's Word as your light so you dont trip over anything along the way, and then you just rest. rest in the knowing that it will be GREAT. not just alright, it will be GREAT cos He's in control. and then you just let go. and if its His peace you find, youre making the right decisions.

"foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
the rod of correction will drive it far from him."
- Proverbs 22:15

"as a dog returns to his own vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly."
- Proverbs 26:11

as i read these verses, and the countless other verses on the folly of man, i was reminded again and again that i do NOT want to repeat any of the mistakes that i have made in my life. the second verse, especially, is just so..vivid a description of how absolutely ridiculous it is to be committing the same mistake over and over again.

and i am reminded again of how special it is to be able to let go and just fall in His arms of grace and love. trust, then fall. trust fall, they call it. He wont let you fall if He's not there to catch ya.

i am going to sleep tonight with a full heart. and the knowing that my God is Almighty, powerful and a wonderful Lord. (:

today i had a THAT'S NOT FAIR! moment while i sat in my room and thought through things.

sleepiness is setting in. but after some prayer,
life is unfair.
but the Lord fights my battles, and He promised that He WILL save me.
its unfair that i have received so much.
so i guess,
unfairness is kinda okay. (: