real

Look at me I'm twenty three
Beautiful, a sight to see tonight

A little dress to draw the press
and I'll be leaving all the rest behind

Well be pleased girl,
if this is what you wanted,
whole world is watching you take the stage
What will you say?

Aren't I lovely, and do you want me?
cos I'm hungry for something that will make me real.
Can you see me,
and do you love me?
Cause I'm desperately searching for something
real.

I close my eyes imagine time
will not forget my sacrifice
I numb the ache and decorate my emptiness
stand naked in the light

Well be pleased world
if this is what you wanted
This young girl is everything that you made
What will she say?

Aren't I lovely, and do you want me?
cos I'm hungry for something that will make me real.
Can you see me,
and do you love me?
Cause I'm desperately searching for something
real.

The world goes home
The lights go down
My lipstick fades
Away

Aren't I lovely, and do you want me?
cos I'm hungry for something that will make me real.
Can you see me,
and do you love me?
Cause I'm desperately searching for something
real.

make sure we never ever conform to what the world wants us to be, ever. thanks sarah youre on my lovelist now haha I LOVE YOU! but He loves you more, keep walking through this, He's gonna be realllllll proud of us (:

We - what fools we are,
We follow slowly from afar,
We stumble blindly through the night,
We miss the fellowship, the light,
So slow to learn, as learn we must
That all we need to do is trust,
And just to walk with God.

i did something really stupid yesterday i was running towards the car after choir cos i was rushing to see the gospel of john so i was grabbing my phone so tight i accidently deleted two out of the five new messages i had, unread and i didnt even see who the sender was how stupid is that la im qte fed up with myself still grr

gospel of john was a little draggy but it was really cool cos it unfolded the ENTIRE gospel of john and yea its just really nice to see it on screen. the crucifixtion wasnt very well depicted though it made me wince alot cos whenever i think about nails through my wrists, my two hands just go weak. cried at the part where mary fell to her knees in front of Jesus and its really amazing His compassion for evil wretched us [john11:35] Jesus wept. He didnt have to heal the blind, the lame, the officer's son, He didnt have to raise lazarus from the dead, He didnt have to endure the shame and pain of the cross- but He did anyway. sometimes i really wonder how stupid i can get struggling in my walk with Someone who loves me so much. its sin but im trying, and im not gonna give up.

i seriously zaoxiaded during rehearsal just now my voice will just dieeee i feel like just hiding in a hole la gah :'( heh no actually my skin is qte thick so im not really traumatised but it was.. bad. thats what happens when i dont practise self-control and eat chocolates and ice cream early in the morning :'(

but aside from the horribleness of how my voice sounds i know theres more to it than that. i have so horribly failed in finding meaning in singing 'all rise' ben told me to read revelations4 the description of the throne room of heaven and whoa i have waited too long before getting down to reading it. when im scared i just freezeup i cant think and obviously i cant sing but i must remember when i can visualize that whole scene in heaven and when i REALLY believe it with all my heart, soul, mind and strength- thats when i can sing it and really mean it and i have to find that, really have to.

its gonna be a huge new challenge as i step into the new week, missing three familiar faces [that im REALLY unhappy about] and seeing a few more new faces. and im gonna try my best to be nice? but i dont know how far im gonna succeed. really im being brutally honest with myself cos i really dont know how nice i can be when i think about previoussboners that arent in sbone anymore cos of sixpointers that make it in. but i need the strength, the second greatest commandment- to love your neighbour as yourself.

gonna try reaaaaaaal hard and i just really need sustenance and strength through this. phobic, dont be. im gonna try reallllllll hard and im gonna survive YES

God-shaped hole

Every point of view has another angle
And every angle has its merit
But all comes down to faith
Thats the way I see it

You can say that love is not divine and
You can say that life is not eternal
'All we have is now'
But I don't believe it

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And it's a void only He can fill

Does the world seem gray with empty longing
Wearing every shade of cynical
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing?

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And it's a void only He can fill

that's my point of view..

phobic

I watched you sit alone
I watched you cry your eyes out
Now tell me what you've done
is it so bad that
I would shut you out
And leave you here alone

Yes, I saw what you did
I was right there with you
I won't let you sink
No, I forgive you

Phobic
Don't be
Grace needs a little more freedom
Phobic
Don't be
Love needs room to breathe

I have watched you grow
And I've stood in your shadow
I've never walked away
I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid

Yes, I know when you breathe
And I feel when you need
I won't let you sink
No, I forgive you

You can be healed
You can be free
You can know peace
Never be afraid again

Never be afraid
Never be afraid
He's here.

dont EVER be afraid, He's here (:

its taken alot out of me to deal with whats been happening the past few weeks and alot of courage too to face up to the problems and just try my best to resolve them. life never is smoothsailing heh i think i've learnt that by now and though its a constant struggle to remain on the right track and not get jaded over whatever else revolves around me i know its my own decision and priority to get back on track in my walk and walk worthy of this great love, this great grace and mercy.

oh MAN sarah is so cool haha she found a song called 'God-shaped hole'! oh man thats like ruth's God-shaped void that she declared is in every one of us (: songs really are amazing, i love music and i love the Creator of that music (: haha i swear never ever to listen to crappy music like britney spears EVER again when there are beautiful and SUPER COOL songs like God-shaped hole to listen to :D

i really wanna find that joy overflowing and so real in my life again, this is my desire and yes im trying with little baby steps of faith (:

whatever You ask

Lord, i see the things You ask of me
faithfulness, holiness and purity.
i love Your truth, i long to show it to the world for You.
but Lord i need Your help to understand,
the other person that i sometimes am.
i never want to live a day that i cant say to You-

"Lord whatever You ask, i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart
Lord whatever You ask, i know that You can give me wisdom and courage to equal the task,
Lord whatever You ask."

I think so much that it steals away
The will to make the time to serve and pray
And there are days I don't take up Your cross and follow You
But I have learned that I can talk with You
You know everything that I am going through
if i just ask I find that You're right there
Providing me with the strength I need

"Lord whatever You ask, i want to obey You
to let my life beat with a servant's heart
Lord whatever You ask, i know that You can give me wisdom and courage to equal the task,
Lord whatever You ask."

give me courage, to equal the task- Lord whatever You ask.

im still feeling.. funny. camp was good in a sense that it provided a retreat away from the revolving world around me that seems to spin at lightning speed with no end, it gave me five days of time to listen to His Word and to be able to focus so much more, i renewed my commitment to Him to try my very best to walk worthy of this calling of every believer to bear those fruits which prove to be evidence of the Christian life but though i know i dont ever wanna give up and stop walking the narrow way my thoughts are still really jumbled up and im just.. pretty much lost.

i honestly dont understand the other person that i sometimes am. i mean i know lethal sin problems are gonna be ever-present in my life but alot of times i just cant seem to reconcile the emptiness with.. whatever else there is. im just veryveryVERY confused now and whenever i think about my walk satan jumps right in and gives that really sinking feeling of dread that whispers in my ear "youre gonna fail.. fail." pastor kept talking about having a strong mind which would then help us overcome any attacks from the evil one and i know my mind is weak. i know that it takes very little pressure to make me give way and i've got a long way more before i can exemplify the FRUIT of the Spirit in my life and before i can say this like paul "but you have carefully followed my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, love, perseverance." -2tim3:10 is my life an example worth following? i really dont think so. but it is POSSIBLE and im not gonna give up, working towards that (:

one of the things i did during camp was to pinpoint the areas of sin and distractions in my life, five of them i found exceptionally outstanding and after writing them out and staring at them for a long time, i realised the BIGGEST problem ever, the sixth one- im running away. i didnt realise it but i'd run out from the cover of His love and grace and mercy about a month ago when things started going pretty smoothly, i ran out and tried to make it on my own. i was drawn to the artificial bright lights that were beautiful in the world's eyes and i lost sight of the true light that shines and is STILL shining, i lost sight of the brightness that would aid me in my Christian walk, the only light that really mattered. and then things started to go wrong and i found it more and more difficult to turn to Him the right way, reading His Word and asking really with ALL MY HEART that His will be done, not mine. i spent alot of unfocused time reading His Word which then amounted to nothing cos my heart was simply not placed into what i was doing.

i wrote out my solutions to those sin problems in my life, the very things i knew that were hindering my walk with Him and standing in the way of the path of righteousness He meant for each one of us to tread. and the solutions i marked out for myself seemed, and still seem so huge and impossible, IF i try to do them on my own. i know so clearly that it is His strength we were meant to depend on, and yet it becomes mere head knowledge a large portion of the time and i just dont apply it to my life the way i should.

we like, because. we love, although. love is an act of will. pastor then talked about how there are only two commandments we have to obey-

1. to love our God with ALL our heart, ALL our mind, ALL our soul, and ALL our strength.
2. to love our neighbour as ourselves

and how the rest of the ten commandments given in the Bible then stemmed from this love, as it says in 1john1, that if we love Him we WILL walk in the light and obey His commandments. its a greater challenge to walk in that light, not focusing on the number of times i've fallen down sat on my butt and refused to get up, not focusing on my sins and transgressions but focusing on Him.

t sweekeng's principle of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. how we always stumble in our walk but at the end of the day, we still progress by that one step. i know my faith has grown from that little baby "Jesus loves me this i know cos the Bible tells me so" seed to a little seedling. the trials of life i've experienced have changed me alot- You are the potter, i am the clay, mould my and make me, this is what i pray. at the end of the day, i know my faith has grown much farther than from where i was before but i also know this rough patch is an area in my life that i have to overcome not on my own but with Him and how carefully i have to guard myself against being content staying at my current level of faith.

i want, to live that victorious Christian life we were meant to live and as i prepare my heart for the re-opening of school and the trials that might follow, as i guard myself like daniel and remind myself to say "no" to certain things that i have promised myself and Him that i wont do, as i gather my thoughts and digest the huuuuuuuuuge amount of spiritual food pastor has so lovingly and painstakingly fed us over the past week, as i learn to give thanks for His amazing blessing of placing me in bethany where He pulled me from the darkness into the light, and as i try to remember its a privilege to be able to go through life's trials suffering for His sake, its a greater challenge to bear the fruit of the Spirit naturally cos it stems from that first and growing love for Him and i really, want that joy back. and i never, ever want to lose it ever.

i know im so blessed to have a whole bunch of people walking with me, pushing me forward, reminding me and growing alongside me. bethany and everyone in it has been a blessing true and true and i really thank Him for it, for if i hadnt gone to bethany i wouldnt be feeling this way now, cos i wouldnt even realise i have that emptiness inside me. im glad i know and as numberone says im not "starting over again" im continuing right from this moment and im gonna try my best- walk in Him (: [galatians5:25]

joy is the flag flown high from the castle of my heart, for the King is in residence there (:

when the dreams that you dream seem to disappear from view, thats the time to fight on, and soon they'll all come true. He'll lighten your load as you travel life's road, and walk with faith in your heart.

walk with faith in your heart, and you'll never walk alone. for with faith in your heart, the world is yours to own. you never will grieve if in Him you believe, and walk with faith in Your heart (:

yesterday was qte horrible it was supposed to be FUN i mean meeting all the 4dgians for the first time in like four months but i think all the things i had on my mind spoilt the entire evening for me. i WAS moping i swear i havent done that in years and grouching away grrrr annoying k i was trying so hard NOT to but i couldnt help it..

but anyway GERI TO THE RESCUE haha when we sat on the bench outside of everything her in her rj shirt and me in my ac uniform she never pressured me to say anything but after awhile everything just came out and i think now she knows more than i've told anyone in the past two weeks. and her shoulder's pretty comfortable too heh anymore i probably would've started crying. and really that half an hour or so that we talked [ok I talked] i just knew it was His way of telling me "I'm still here. I'm listening to you and when you feel like you cant go on, I'm still here." He reminds me always through the people that show me love and concern that He's there for me and He loves me no matter the circumstance i find myself in. though sometimes i wonder why He gives me something and then takes it away, i know one things for sure- its never to hurt me. He doesnt ever take pleasure in sending us through trials, the one and only reason why He does that is so that we can be purified, and come forth as gold. and through every experience He makes me stronger, He teaches me the lessons He wants me to learn so that my faith over time can be strengthened, and He gives me these little sufferings so that i can gain access to more people. when you've been through more stuff it makes it easier for you to relate to others cos then what you say makes more sense cos you've "felt the same way before." and somehow though right now i cant see why this road, why this way and this load. i dont know how far i must go, till i see, till i know why this road. i know He knows- and thats all that matters.

im real bad with relationships secfour year was fine cos there werent people problems, just studies problems and i swear those are SO much easier to deal with. but now once again when people problems turn up i think back on what i've gone through and i realise HEY i can deal with this, i've been through it before, and i can make it through again. this time, better, stronger and more focused on Him (:

this is my prayer- to keep walking, in His steps.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv tired bleh yucky its one of those days when i feel like burying my head in my pillow and screaming till the cows come home and then cry a whole river for no apparent reason. then stuff myself with lots of chocolate and ice cream

WHINE

but i must alwaysalways remember that He never gives us more than we can take so when i start whining i promise to slap myself out of it I RACHAEL LEONG LI FEN PROMISE TO TRY TO SPREAD THE REAL TRUE JOY THAT WE ALL SHOULD HAVE AFTER WHAT HE'S GIVEN- everyday of my life, i promise to try (:

trust His heart

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows what's best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can't see Him,
Remember you're never alone.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don't live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, He's weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
trust His heart.

know how life's a huge sinusoidal wave? well its kinda still on the downside but its getting better, by much and i only have One person to thank for that (: rambled on to ma for about an hour yesterday about all the rubbish school and people have brought and its really during such times that i really, really appreciate the wonderful people that He's given. its amazing really, that with the way jc life goes that we have the privilege of being able to see each other on weekends through which each of us draws renewed strength and revival cos we know we're not alone, never alone when we walk with Him (: and to me, i think its just amazing how we can not see each other for five days [in the course of the week] not talk very much and yet we can still pick up where we left off and keep talking like that weekly space never existed. we dont go out all the time, in fact most of the time we just meet in church but i tell you church is where the deepest, most amazing friendships are formed and i can safely assure anyone that i wouldnt trade these three darlings for anything. (:

really learning to thank Him continually for His blessings of such special friends (: i read alot of stories about friendship and in most stories two people have just about everything in common, taste in clothes, shoes, boyfriends [which by the way sucks cos if you fall in love with the same guy thats a gone case for you] anything under the sun and they might as well have been twins. for the four of us, heh we're as different as day and night ruth likes strange furry things [namely her dog.] jia likes VEGE rie likes to eat prata without the sauce and i? i like to attack cute little boys ;p four of us, as different as we could ever be but the One thing we have in common, is Christ. and with friendships built on that single solid rock, with Christ as the foundation, these friendships truly, last forever (:

on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

haha He's still workin' on me was re-found during sss1 today and what t diona said reallyyyy struck me

He's still working on me,
to make me what i oughta be
it took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars,
how loving and patient He must be,
He's still working on me! :D

He made the heavens, the earth, the stars, moon the land the seas every single living creature in SIX DAYS, and He made them PERFECT. and me? He's been working on me YEARS and im still sosososososososososososososososososososo sosososososososososososososososososososososo far from being perfect. and yet i know He's never, never never never given up on me (: i never really thought about that until t diona brought it up and YEA its a though of amazement a wonderful reason to praise Him as i bring this thought with me through the week (:

walking isnt easy, and more often than not i find myself stumbling, worse than before. but when it happens its the constant reminder that i should yield my all to Him, my life, my studies, my friendships, my relationships and everything that my life encompasses- and thats when i'll be able to find real, true JOY (:

"enter by the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way that leads to life, and there are FEW WHO FIND IT." -matt7:13-14

sometimes i cant explain the ache i feel in my heart when i look around and see people hurt, who have their lives centred on themselves and the people around them. and the misconstrued conception people have of Christianity, but YES i will stop being jaded about it and just keep going, and keep trusting, COME WHAT MAY (:

i've got a long way more before i can really become a truly dynamic, EFFECTIVE servant of His, but though it seems such a long way off, im not gonna give up cos if even He doesnt give up on me, why should i be giving up on myself? NEVER

i'll keep walking, in His steps (:

suppppppp tired my neck's really aching from swimming heh CRAP and theres mass pe tmr for which i just KNOW im gonna die i can already feel it in my bones :'(

such PAIN sprinting two whole rounds, such SUFFERING doing forty consecutive push-ups, such TORTURE doing one hundred squats :'( but yessss when im dying i'll keep looking at the verse on the side of the sports complex haha and i'll survive (:

decided to stay on in ac after all heh i love sbone (: but really i just thank Him so much for the sense of rootedness i find there and haha yes sbone gets all the best teachers so i will be very thankful to remain where i am (: hoping v hard our class petition gets through and they'll give extra special consideration to everyone cos honestly speaking i have absolutely NO wish to shift out of my comfort zone and im really really hoping and praying v hard that everyone gets to stay, well those who want to anyway and yea (:

sometimes its really hard, really REALLY hard to keep focused and all amidst all the madness, THE THINGS PEOPLE DO IN JC i saw this whole bunch of guys trying to strip this other guy ok i didnt see anything the whole canteen was looking and i just ran in the opposite direction, today for twenty bucks some rg girl seriously traumatised jin by asking him 'why dont you just ask me out?' and this strange guy came up to me to asked me to 'go out with him' and 'for my number' and then when i said no which was like duh he went on about heartbreak and what rubbish to degrade yourself that way tsk heh but actually if it was twenty bucks for doing that i wouldnt mind ;p haha OK im kidding

seriously when i meet people like that? i think justin and ben are really qte sane ;p its qte horrifying to see people do things like that and heh i think sbone is just about the sanest class alive cos although in recent times the whole bunch of us have gone a little nuts [which is to be expected considering the insanity of guys overrules the sanity of grls 22/6] we're still pretty normal compared to other people

one of the bigger problems right now is trying to guard myself against the world's idea of 'love'. love more often than not is derived from a person's physical appearance and the only kind of 'love' that seems to be on everyones mind is romanticlove between a guy and a girl especially when youre in jc- and especially when youre in ACjc and i honestlyhonestly dont understand why people cant understand that before a relationship whatsoever there shd always be a good, strong, solid friendship grounded on an unshakeable foundation- Christ. and theres a million OTHER types of love- God's love, love between friends, love between brothers and sisters in Christ, parental love, love between siblings, everything else and haiyo people just have to focus on the most complicated one- THAT.

i am loving every moment in ac, i actually look FORWARD to going to school everyday and i actually LISTEN, well most of the time anyway heh during lectures. and no one will ever understand how much i love my friends and sbone, and how grateful i am for Him bringing me here, placing me where He wants me (:

chem test is over and i know im kinda dead heh but it was BETTER than i thought, so (: im thankful (:

oh yes! new verse

"let NO ONE despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity." -1tim4:12

this is the day that the Lord has made, i will REJOICE and be glad in it! :D

psalm 6

1 o Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.

2 have mercy on me, o Lord for i am weak, o Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

3 my soul also is greatly troubled; but You o Lord- how long?

4 return, o Lord, deliver me! oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!

5 for in death there is no remembrance of You; in the grave who will give You thanks?

6 i am weary with groaning; all night i make my bed swim; i drench my couch with my tears.

7 my eye wastes away because of grief; it grows old because of all my enemies.

8 depart from me, all you workers of iniquity; for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

9 the Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.

10 let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled; let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.

i've been a churchian all my life but a Christian for maybe three years now and i still struggle with the same problems of sin in my life over, and over again. my prayer is always 'o Lord its coming back again please MAKE IT GO AWAY' my short temper is definitely one of them everytime i get annoyed i just feel this surge in my chest and i keep trying to suppress that REALLY HUGE urge to yell sucks i know

the past two days sucked and i guess it really just nudges me towards Him more and more cos its when you havent got anyone that you learn to lean on Him so much more. i'll never understand why we run away from the One who loves us the most but then again, who ever will.

sometimes i really wonder why He places me in sucky situations and such terrible emotional trauma that im all too familiar with but the phrase from that song we sang before 'He will never give you more than you can take.'

really, He never will.

i sat down in my room just now with my Best friend and the two most wonderful gifts He's ever given- His word and ice cream :D heh k im kidding ice cream does NOT compare to the Bible but yea i realise that though its tough to keep focus, and though even up till now im still struggling with it and it doesnt seem qte possible even now, it IS and im gonna keep trying.

i really wonder why i feel this way, but phil4:13 'i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' (:

and i will go through the fire, if You want me to.