i am really really really tired but there is just so much wonder in the book of proverbs i couldnt go to sleep without penning (typing haha) this down

Proverbs 20

v 3 "it is honorable for a man to stop striving,
for any fool can start a quarrel."

wow. wham! in your face. this proverb cuts into your heart like a razor-blade when you recall all those times.. all those times you lost your head and unleashed your wrath on the next unsuspecting victim just cos YOU were having a "bad day". come on. the next time that happens.. any FOOL can start a quarrel. how true.

v 5 "counsel in the heart of man is like deep water
but a man of understanding will draw it out."

this verse is kinda still a mystery to me cos i cant seem to grasp the full essence of it..just some food for thought to ponder. it sounds so profound i cant quite get my finger on it.

v 15 "there is gold and a multitude of rubies,
but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel."

this verse really struck me today. as i read my books on apolegetics, on Christian philosophy, i am amazed at the width and depth of knowledge these writers have of the Word of God. and i remember. apolegetics is just the seasoning, the gospel is the main course. that has challenged me in a fresh new way to study the Bible with new fervor, to look to knowing it and being able to wield it with skill and precision. my knowledge must come from the book of life. it must!

v 21 "an inheritance gained hastily at the beginning,
will not be blessed at the end."

v 24 "a man's ways are of the Lord;
how then can a man understand his own way?"

oh.. this brought back floods of memories. why oh why did i choose to take things into my own hands, to reach forward and take what was not mine to take at that point of time? so apt, in the light of the story of the forbidden fruit the children were taught this week during crosswalk.

v 22 "do not say 'i will recompense evil';
wait for the Lord, and He WILL save you.

wow. He will save you. what a great, what a lofty, what a true and unchanging promise.

but this verse takes the cake-

v 30 "blows that hurt cleanse away evil,
as do stripes the inner depths of the heart.

this is a principle that has been closing in on me this entire year. when waves of hurt come, when the difficulties and the struggles head your way, ask yourself what lesson you must learn, what cleansing do you need, how strong must you become?

today i had a conversation with a friend that.. well in a lot of ways propelled me forward to seek the Lord so much deeper in prayer. for the depths of healing that close communion with our Lord can bring far surpasses any length of time or space or human encouragement. cos that's just the way He made us. just like a mouse needs his cheese, a cat needs her milk. like a bumblebee and a flower, like a lolli and a pop, like a flippity and a flop! He made us to fit Him. just like how cough medicine cannot cure cancer, so the remedies we come up with in an attempt to self-medicate are just never enough.

sometimes i look inside me and i see me for just.. well, me. my heart is black like everyone elses', it is dark and selfish and will seek its own any chance it gets. but as i hang on, as i pray for His light to shine in my heart, as i watch His crimson blood wash my heart to a pure, unblemished white. as i stand in His light, i know it gets better.. it always does. it always, always will.

you know im such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it lingerrrrrrrrrrr..

hahaha. i learnt to play this last night when my housemates gave me this thing called ice that tastes sweet and normal like 7up.. so i just drank and drank and drank cos it was so nice.. then i got the very same giddy feeling as the time that i drank the stupid mango marguerita at walas. after which i just ran to my bed at 1045 and died :/ and i had the most complicated dream ever which got me up at 3am and i lay awake till 4am. what an eventful night.

yucks. i drank one bottle of 7up-like drink and i almost died. i think people should stop asking me why i dont drink. !!

today on the other hand, was a very bright day for many reasons.

i got up to blue skies and sunshine! yaye! that i havent seen for quite a few days, what with all the rain and clouds. and i had a very yummy breakfast (that i made myself! eggs and sausages)

the first little smiley face i saw when i arrived for crosswalk (the childrens' ministry at lambrick park church) was breanna. she gave me a huuuuuugggeee smile and greeted me, showed me her new pink nails (which, according to her, she painted on her own haha) and i was really glad cos she sat down and did arts and crafts today and talked to the other kids.

the kids were amazingly hyper today, the y twins were extremely hyper, they kept wanting to take photos with my camera, all of which turned out a little.. erm.. hahahah. you can have a look when i post them.

faith came in about 40mins late cos her little sister was getting baptized at the main service today. the moment she saw me she held onto my hand and wouldnt let go. that really kinda warmed my heart cos just last week when i first got to know her she would give me a blank look and not speak a word. but when she's warmed up to you, she's such a sweet thing to be around.

keira was so pleased with the yellow leaf i brought her (long story, we did an activity last week that involved leafs and hers got torn so i promised to bring her another one this week) she kept admiring it and waving it around. haha. how kids get happy with the simplest things.

class was.. sweet, but a little chaotic cos of the boys. haha. but they all got distracted with the little experiment (which basically comprised of red food coloring and another chemical that would remove the color from the liquid) we used to demonstrate to them how Jesus has cleansed us from our sins and how we have returned to our 'original' state of purity (how God created us) and stand righteous before our Lord.

so anw the end of class came quickly and all the kids disappeared one by one as their parents came to pick them up. so i was carrying my bag and Bible and rushing for the volunteers' meeting at some other room, when i saw the y twins still in the hallway jumping and playing around and being the crazy kids that they are. haha. when they saw me they started attacking me with hugs from all sides "byeeeeeeee rayyyychhhooooooollll byeeeeeeeeeee" hahahaha i almost died laughing.. and then as i said bye to them and was about to leave, one of them said to me "i could give you a kiss if you want?" to which i just did NOT know how to respond. hahahaa. kids here are not like singaporean kids at all and i have never met a first grader (six year old boy) who wanted to give his teacher a goodbye kiss. haha. so i smiled at him and said sure! so he ran to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and that made my day, really. that makes up for all the sadness that i felt this week when i wanted to go homeee so bad.

kids find a way into my heart like adults cant. cos with them there is just simplicity, sweetness and innocence. and this made me think about what i would like to leave with my grade 1s at crosswalk this year that i will be with them (ok more like 8 months). how i pray that each of them will grow up into a man/woman of God. that each of them will discover this joy of sweet communion with our Savior everyday of their lives. as i want to begin to enter into prayer for them, i felt the Lord impressing some things upon my heart today as i entered into worship.

the message during service today was based on 1 Corinthians 2. as the scripture was being read out, i was struck once again by the truth of this message.

Paul went back to Christ. the foundation of the Gospel.

"And i, brethren, when i came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God.

for i determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." - 1 Cor 2:1-2

this reminded me. its not the words that i say, it is the Gospel message.
and then the speaker went back to the verse that i just read last week

"for the message of the cross is FOOLISHNESS to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." - 1 Cor 1:18

sometimes it pains me to know how foolish we may look to the watching world. why bother? why try? you cant even see this God. when i wish that they could just see what i see. what we see. as i walked back from church, it was freezing cold but i took one look at the night sky and i just stopped. and i stared upwards for a long, long time.

i have never seen the sky so beautiful. i have never seen hundreds and hundreds of stars in the clear night sky. i have never seen something quite so stunning. i searched for my stars (haha, the orion belt) and i couldnt find them. simply cos there were too many stars. too many to count, too many to search through. and so Heschel says "The stirring in our hearts when watching the star-studded sky is something no language can declare". how true.

and how beautiful to know that
"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
nor have entered into the heart of man
the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."
- 1 Cor 2:9

for starters, i absolutely L-O-V-E this song! i got dragged up to 'attend' a birthday party at 6am this morning and talked on skype till like.. 12pm. and i have been doing my readings since, so my brain is slightly retarded today. HAHA.

haha ok enough nonsense hehe. i read this link from lotsofscotts the other day, and, well, i was struck by the honesty of this girl's writing.

so i went back to her blog today and read through some of her entries and i found this which is, absolutely hilarious i must say. HAHA. oh! the things that children say.

i can just imagine having such an awkward conversation with a child. haha. its amazing, this cloak of innocence with which children are clothed. they get away with ANYTHING, cos everything is just clearcut and simple. when i read about/ witness/ experience conversations like that, it is so clear to me why Christ told us to have faith like a child. for in our growth into adults we have found ourselves entangled in the web of intellect (and i dont mean good intellect, i mean bad 'intellect' that manifests itself in the iamsmarterthanallidontneedanyoneorgodforthatmatter mentality), of materialism, of pride, of wealth, of selfishness.. all of which culminate into this one single word called 'sin'. sin at its strongest, sin at its best. when we start to buy into the disillusionment of this world and convince ourselves that there is no hope, there is no hope.

somehow i think we are all approaching our -moment- in life. the moment where we ask ourselves the question: what on earth am i here for?. where we embark on our journey of discovering all that we want to be in this life, when we start to make the most crucial decisions that will chart the rest of our lives.

in a few years, some of us will be rich. bankers, financial analysts, lawyers, doctors, engineers, artists, who knows? some of us will be married (either content or unhappy), some of us will single (either content or unhappy), some of us will have bundles of joy (or not) tottering around the house clutching their favorite toy of the season. there will be those of us who spend our lives surrounded by a mix of parties and drink, fine wine and dining, indulging in what we deem to be our joys of life. there will be us who are suffering the consequences of bad choices we made in their younger days. some of us may be hurting from the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a love. there will be those of us that fall down and never get up again. and then there are those who dust themselves off and try again. there will be those that leave a legacy of their beauty (see audrey hepburn), or those that will leave an imprint in the hearts of so many that have been touched (see mother theresa).

but what stuff will you be made of when you breathe your last breath?
in Genesis 3:19, God pronounces:
"By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."

dust to dust. that's all we can make of our earthly lives. no matter how many nights we spend laughing with friends over the silliest things in the world, or how many nights you spend partying and dancing and doing the most retarded things in the world. no matter how much fun you have or how much money you make. it doesnt go away. that question doesnt go away. no matter how we may attempt to drown out the cry of our souls, thirsting for an answer, a hope, with drink or obessession in a person or thing, the fact remains that the things around us never give us the answer that we want to hear. perhaps some might say that 'something to believe in' is a wish, something we create for ourselves. an delusion or an illusion that is intangible and inexplicable. it is ineffable. (im not going to start spouting the evidence for Christianity here dont worry.. haha) but just because you cant see Him, or touch Him, or (audibly) hear Him, doesnt mean He's not there.

sometimes the strength of human love amazes me. the love of a father for a son, a mother for a daughter, a brother for a sister, a friend to a friend, a boy for a girl. what makes you so sure that love is true? cos you feel it in your heart. that inexplicable mechanism of warmth that shoots through your body and up through your spine when speak to or hear from the object of your love. and in so many ways it is the same with God. i always think, if He could create such love between two finite human beings, how much more beautiful will a love between God and a man/woman be?

i just sat here and thought about what it would be like to lie on my death bed (i dont know when that will be and dont worry im not planning on dying anytime soon - unless God has planned it for me and i dont know it yet haha). its not the laughs that i will remember. nor the fun that ive had in life. nor whatever academic success i have to speak of. instead i will remember the moments where i heard Him the most clearly. i will remember my lessons of pain, and my lessons of triumph. i will remember my moments of rebellion.. but at the same time i will remember the softness of God's voice comforting my soul as i sobbed in anguish over the mistakes that i have made, and the things that i have lost in the process.

last night i read what must have been two of the most inspiring verses in the Bible. Paul writes in Philippians 3:7-8-

7 But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ.
8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ

notice how Paul covers all grounds. he says 'i have counted (all things) loss for Christ'. that is the past. but he never stops looking towards the future - that he will continue to gain knowledge that he may GAIN Christ. wow. this is a man that has been persecuted and shouted at, shipwrecked and thrown into prison for his faith in Christ. this is a man that had a faith that stands out amongst the other Biblical characters like a sparkling diamond stands out amongst semi-precious moonstones. yet, he never forgets. that i may gain Christ. what a wonderful thing to know that we can never stop discovering Him, for there is just too much to bask in!

im slipping back into thinking what peace and tranquility i will experience when i pass from this world to the next (please dont think im being morbid, i am NOT. haha). how it will be like to see Him face to face. perhaps in the final few moments before i close my eyes, i will be reminded of the words of this hymn.. 'and say when the death dew lies cold on my brow- if ever i loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.'

my heart is full of the goodness He brings, and i cannot wait to see His plans unfold in my life! and whatever my life is made of, i am content to know that He charts it- if i would only let Him. (:

i was talking to a friend recently about the superficiality of good looks. and we decided that people generally "become" better looking, when they become your friends. (and so, be my friend and you'll be beautiful to me HAHA). and over these past few weeks, each of my friends has become more and more beautiful/handsome in my eyes, even though the pixels on skype suck.

haha. i think being away from home has taught me to appreciate all the things in my life so much more. the FOOD (zoomggg i miss oyster omelette, bar chor mee, char kway teow, prawn mee, zoommgggg), my family (coming home and feeling the warmth of the house and fooooooodddddddd), my friends.

and so every night when i utilize skype and msn to the maximum with multiple windows open at once, i have to stop and count my blessings. there are a couple reasons why that struck me today - skyping with my best friend about the most random things + having the most honest, most retarded conversation in the world with one of my closest friends. (seriously, some things i feel retarded even thinking abt, let alone typing on msn about. but with friends like these who never judge, it gets easy after awhile :)

tonight, i spent some time reading the first half of proverbs 19, and the Lord's Word has an amazing way of piercing through the veil of your heart.

v 3 "The foolishness of a man twists his way,
and his heart frets against the Lord."

this truly was an in-the-face reminder of my moments of rebellion. when i think that my way is better, and i refuse to follow His way. thank God for my conscience, which He uses, through the medium of the Holy Spirit, to nudge me time and again. i shudder to think of the possible consequences if i had rebelled to the point that the Holy Spirit stopped speaking. how apt. a twisted way, fretting. the Word of God truly is a double-edged sword, it cuts to the depths of your heart.

v 14 "Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers,
but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

hahahahahahahahaaaaaaHA. this verse made me laugh. hahaha. not cos i think its ridiculous, but cos i am amazed at the truth of this matter. this verse made me think of two conversations i had with two separate friends recently. the first was on the subject of praying for a good Christian husband/wife. how do you really go about praying for that? i mean, the issue is so complex where do you even start.. hahaha. my mom tells me she has been praying for me since goodness knows when, but i fully admit that i have yet to start praying about this on my own. SO I REALLY OUGHTA START hur. the second conversation i had was some nonsense conversation about the prov31 wife. haha. a wife of beauty and virtue and value, priceless in the eyes of her family and the watching world. and it occurred to me that before i begin praying for a good Christian husband (that i truly believe will be a gift from the Lord if it ever happens), i ought to cultivate my own spirit before the Lord such that i can be a blessing to my husband and add to his faith, not diminish it (like the contentious woman! v13 that is scary stuff man haha).

and i think this song by brooke fraser is so apt haha
but ANW, that was probably my comic relief of the night! hurrr :D

but my crowning thought of the night is really a very strange interaction of a few verses in proverbs 19.

v 5 and v 9 state, respectively:
"...and he who speaks lies will not escape."
"... and he who speaks lies shall perish."

this very clearly sets out the fact that God is just. He CANNOT allow lies to go unpunished. (and because one of my pet peeves is lying and i find it so hard to respect liars, these verses made me quite happy. cos all liars will be zapped by God at the end of life's day hurhur. ok sorry im being a false teacher here ignore that)

v 8 "He who gets wisdom loves his own soul;
He who keeps understanding will find good."

v 11 "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger;
and his glory is to overlook a transgression.

God says that liars will be punished. but reading the psalm from v 1-11, that has nothing to do with me. or you, for that matter. the facts are stated: the wicked/liars will be punished. but God says to us: go, get wisdom. keep understanding. in other words He implies - judgment is a matter for me. you go, you do the best you can do with your life.

but the verse that did it all for me is v11. after we get wisdom and keep understanding, we possess this quality called 'discretion'. with the prompting of discretion, that stems from a wealth of God-given wisdom, a Christian's glory is to OVERLOOK a transgression. not to judge it as God does (and only God can because He is perfect and unblemished). but to overlook it. to forgive.

what evil can man do to you that has not been done to Christ Himself? perfect as God and Man, He came and bore the weight of our broken, sinful world on His shoulders.

i have no doubt that God knew i needed to hear this message in my heart today. and i look forward to how He will, through the Holy Spirit, weave forgiveness through my heart strings beginning today. (:

i spent my quiet time tonight pondering the thoughts that followed from psalm 40:1-3.

v 4 "Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
and does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies."

this is the straight and narrow path that i have been on since the day i said "i do", to God. it is not always easy, to say i am putting my trust in the Lord. for oftentimes i simply pay lip service to this concept, and i dont really exercise trust from the depths of my heart and with the entirety of my being.

dictionary.com defines trust as:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

when i say that i trust Him, it means that i lean on Him. i believe that He is immoveable, i believe in His attributes that have been since before time begain. i believe Him when He says "I AM WHO I AM". i believe, simply, that God is. and that God is good.

v 8 "I delight to do Your will, o my God
and Your law is within my heart."

this verse made me think of 2 Corinthians 3:2-3, which reads "You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart."

God writes on our hearts, not with pens of men, but with the stylus called the Holy Spirit. i remember the inner struggle of my heart when i first read this verse. i asked myself "what is God saying to me?" i knew the answer, it was loud and clear. i heeded part of it, but ignored another part. and ignoring of the other part taught me a very painful lesson..but what man means for evil, God can mean for good. so Amen! God is good.

v 9-10 "I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness,
in the great assembly,
indeed, i do not restrain my lips
o Lord, You Yourself know.
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart,
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation,
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly."

this struck me cos ive been talking to a friend about the issue of reflecting the glory of Christ in our everyday lives. this gave me many flashbacks from the past! haha. i know that most of my friends know what i believe in, cos i learnt (through many tough situations) not to be ashamed of my faith or what i believe in. but i havent always been like that. i have struggled through the period in my life where it was the biggest mess in the world (not that my life now is not a mess, it still is, just a cleaner mess cos the Lord has cleaned up some of it haha), and i have been called all sorts of things, cos when God came into my life and began to change it, people could see, and not everyone was comfortable with what they experienced or what they saw. i lost some friends along the way, but God is good, He provided others.

i can honestly say that right now, at this point in my life, i am not afraid to speak of Christ because in Him i live and move and have my being. (but of course that can become a problem when i talk too much.. hahaha). but yea, so this passage is a great reminder for me and a great encouragement to everyone else who may be afraid to speak of your faith - dont be ashamed of Him, think of what He did for you.

v 16-17 "Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You
Let such as love Your salvation say continually;
The Lord be magnified
but i am poor and needy,
Yet the Lord thinks upon me
You are my help and my deliverer
do not delay, o my God."

that's what i am. poor and needy. there are almost 7billion people on earth. why would He take notice of me, or my prayers. how am i better than anyone else? i-am-nothing. we need to remember that. i need to remember that. yet He knows us all by Name. all 7billion of us.

"He counts the number of the stars,
He calls them all by name." -Psalm 147:4

how special. (:
well the highlight of my day was a conversation i had today after choir at lambrick park church with two of the tenors. (all the choir members are like married so all 30 and up, stephanie and i are the only 'young ones' haha) so we were talking and one of them said to me "hey its amazing. you're from the other end of the world, and here we are, having fellowship in Christ." and it truly is wonderful. (: haha. anw we were on the topic of atheism and philosophy and all, so i mentioned that i was reading 'the problem of pain' by cs lewis and he began relating to me the story of how he became a Christian. he said he remembered reading the screwtape letters when he was 17years old, and one day when he was 26 he felt like he needed God in his life, so he started attending church.. and 3 months later he became a Christian. as i listen to each person, they each have a different story to tell. and what ive realised through all of this, is that i guess we all need to come to a point in our lives when we honestly evaluate the evidences around us, and realize that we really, really, really need God.

there truly is a God-shaped hole in all of us. no matter how much you try and fill it, it will never go away, till you relinquish your hold over that void and allow Him to take His rightful place in your heart.

enough of my rambling.. good night everyone (:

today, has been one heck of an amazing day. haha. there is so much i feel that cannot be put into words. so im gonna sum it up with (some) of what i wrote in my journal to the Lord:

i know that You answered my prayer, when i asked You to reveal to me certain things that i could not see. i know that You answered my prayer for guidance, and all the other prayers that im sure my friends (thanks guys) lifted up for me during this period. You are a God of answered prayer with infinite wisdom and i submit to that now, with all my heart. i do. im sorry if i ever thought my will was better, my way was better, im sorry that i went forward in defiance against everything i knew to be true. sometimes my heart aches like it will never stop, but i know that You are the maker of Man and the healer of Hearts, and the assurance You give me is like no other. a hope that remains, that is steady and unchanging, rooted and grounded in the truth.

and i think that as usual, Your methods in providence surpass even my own understanding. (why did i even put even, there is no even with You! haha).

i remember what p mitch shared with me a few months ago-

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
and He inclined to me
and heard my cry.

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit
out of the miry clay
and set my feet upon a rock,
and established my steps

He has put a new song in my mouth-
praise to our God,
many will see it and fear,
and will trust in the Lord."

- Psalm 40:1-3

he told me to wait patiently, he told me You would hear my cry.
that You would bring me out of the horrible pit where i am surrounded by pain and nothingness and see only a hint of light amidst the darkness all around.
out of the miry clay that i cant get out of on my own,
he told me that You would set my feet on a rock where i would be able to see and understand things from a perspective i never had before,
that You would establish my steps and i would be firm and grounded in You.
and he said the day would finally come when i would be able to sing a new song of praise to You, out of a true heart of thankfulness for everything that You have brought me through.

today is that day. when i see everything clearer than ever before. today is the day that i stop taking peeks at the path behind me and wonder what could have been. today is the day my heart is breaking and yet stays full. full of Your goodness that permeates every part of my life. today is the day i sing a new song of praise to my Lord and my God, that no one will ever take away from me.

i trust You, and i love with You with all my heart and soul.

i stand in awe how He reaches down and heals me in my moments of weakness.

in the days past, because of various events/situations i have found myself in, i have been pushed deeper and deeper into the realm of Christian apolegetics (defense of the faith). and i have found that more and more people are hitting the wall of intellectual doubts when it comes to their quest for faith in Jesus Christ. why? i ask myself that ALL the time. there is a pile of evidence, there is the testimony of changed lives, there is the moral law and the beauty of nature, and yet this comes up again, and again, and again.

so today i talked to a friend, well-versed in Christian apolegetics (i think i only have one such friend hahahaha) and he said to me extremely seriously: 'i need to tell you something very important. getting into the realm of apolegetics has great emotional consequences. it is emotionally draining and requires a lot of prayer'. as he related to me the reasons why he thought so (with his experience debating with non-believers, staunch atheists, evolutionists and what not), i started going zomgggggg i know how that feels. and it does suck you know. because im standing here reading up on all these things, not to win an argument, or a debate, so i can feel good about myself and prove im 'smarter than everyone else.' i read so that i can present the truth on reasonable terms, with the end goal being to win people to Christ, something that the Lord told us to do in the Great Commission in Matthew 28:19

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,"

in church today, the msg was on 1 Corinthians and i was reminded again, Christ.

"For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel, not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of no effect." - 1 Corinthians 1:18

not with words of wisdom, lest the cross of Christ should be made of no effect. that is the essence of it all. Christ, the virgin birth, the crucifixion, the resurrection, my all in all. in my moments of inadequacy, when my words seem to have no lasting effect, i fall on my knees and i cry Lord, im doing all i can, be the strength of my heart.

this is a quote from one of Ravi Zacharias' speeches that i listened to today-

you will find that in answers to questions it is dangerous to get so cerebral that you forget the Source of the answer. sometimes a relationship with Christ is far greater than any cerebral answer you can give to a particular question. the transformation the Holy Spirit brings in a heart is much more powerful than any argument a Christian apolegist can give. i always remind myself that apolegetics is merely the seasoning, the gospel is the main course. you do not want too much seasoning or it will make the main course insipid. support the argument justifiably, but it is Christ that you need to lift up and it is the Holy Spirit that brings about a change in the human heart.

when i started my quest into the realm of Christian apolegetics, i knew not what i was getting myself into. but now i know that while i work, the Holy Spirit works alongside me. He equips me with the intellectual knowledge necessary to defend my faith, He strengthens me spiritually when i feel like the evil one is winning all these battles. and i remember that it is the Spirit that moves hearts, that draws one to Christ. i know the fundamental tenets on which to build my my life - the two pillars of Bethany, the Word and Prayer, with Christ as the centre. so i might get discouraged when i feel like im not being taken seriously, or im taken to be a raving 'religious fanatic' that is just purely deluded in heart and mind. but i dont have to worry about losing the little battles along the way.. for if a non-believer or an atheist 'beats' me in an argument, have i really lost? what is the measure of 'loss' to me? is it my pride that ive lost? if that person is one step closer to Christ, i havent lost at all.

we sang one of my favorite songs during service today-

oh, the wonderful cross
oh, the wonderful cross
bids me come and die, and find that i may truly live
oh, the wonderful cross
oh, the wonderful cross
all who gather here, by grace draw near
and bless Your Name

Philip Schaff, the well-known historian and author of The History of the Christian church, said:

Jesus of Nazereth, without money and arms, conquered more millions than Alexander, Caesar, Mohammed and Napolean; without science and learning, He shed more light on things human and divine than all the philosophers and scholars combined; without the eloquence of the school, He spoke words of life such as were never spoken before, nor since, and produced effects which lie beyond the reach of orator or poet. Without writing a single line, He has set more pens in motion and furnished themes for more sermons, orations, discussions, works of art, learned volumes, and sweet songs of praise than the whole army of great men of ancient and modern times. Born in a manger and crucified as a malefactor, He now controls the destinies of the civilized world and rules a spiritual empire which embraces one-third of the inhabitants of the globe.

Justin Martyr, an early church historian and philosopher who died for his faith in AD 166 said:

but if you are willing to listen to an account of him, how we have not been deceived, and shall not cease to confess him - although men's reproaches be heaped upon us, although the most terrible tyrant compel us to deny Him - i shall prove to you as you stand here that we have not believed empty fables, or words without foundation.

and to end my rambling, ravi zacharias is an amazing man

watch this (starting from min 3) and and this

i am impressed at his immense knowledge of the Bible. and i guess in many ways, this is yet another answer to my questions. an inspiration to know this truth deeply, thoroughly and the fruits that come will be so much sweeter than any other. (:

v 2 "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,
but the Lord weighs the hearts."

as i read this verse it was just a really in-the-face reinforcement of something 3 friends (separately) said to me today. how often do we fight to take control of our lives and all that is in it? so often that we forget to let Him take control. He weighs our hearts!

v 5 "The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty,
but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty."

v 25 "The desire of the lazy man kills him,
For his hands refuse to labour"

in my bid to learn diligence in seeking the Lord and reading the Lord's Word, how amazingly apt!

v 21 "He who follows righteousness and mercy,
Finds life, righteousness and honor."

when i read this, i thought of the following two verses-

"...what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" -Deuteronomy 10:12-13

"He has shown you, o man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justly,
to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God?"
- Micah 6:8

i remember how awestruck i was when i read micah 6:8 for the first time. and how incredibly challenged i was when i was introduced to deuteronomy 10:12-13 as a more comprehensive statement of the verse in micah. that is all He requires of me. to follow Him with all my heart and soul. what a simple commandment, yet i find it so hard to follow.

the concluding verse of Proverbs 21 truly crowned my day with goodness! the most striking reminder, and i was again reminded of this by 3 different friends today.

v 31 "The horse is prepared for the day of battle,
but deliverance is of the Lord."

this immediately made me think of Elisha and this wonderful, wonderful account of God's power and goodness-

2 Kings 6

13 "Go, find out where he is," the king ordered, "so I can send men and capture him." The report came back: "He is in Dothan." 14 Then he sent horses and chariots and a strong force there. They went by night and surrounded the city.

15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. "Oh, my lord, what shall we do?" the servant asked.

16 "Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

17 And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

this is how it is. He surrounds me, everyday of my life. He protects me and guards me, I am not alone. and i am reminded that the battle is the Lord's, not mine. i have lost count of the number of times that i have faced discouragement in the face of adversity, in the face of doubts as to the existence of God/ Who God is and oh, the doubts are countless. but then i remember, the battle is the Lord's, and He will bring the victory at the end of life's day. i am but the messenger. i am responsible only to present the truth of the gospel in whatever way i can, the choice to accept it or reject it is yours and yours alone. also, a friend reminded me about prayer today. for wit and argument never won a man, but only by prayer and conduct and the nudging of the Holy Spirit.

Amen to that! may we never forget. and always bask in the joy of what it means to part of His special people. (:

believe me when i say that the love of Christ is what makes my world go round. !!! today was/is a very wonderful day for many reasons (aside from the slightly traumatic incident that occurred about midday that requires no further elaboration).

i was sharing with a friend about my new-found realization that Christ should once again reign above all of my needs, and how important it is for me to be absolutely enraptured by His love and truth, and the entirety of His Being. and he/she pointed me to 2Timothy2, that has proven to be an awe-inspiring piece of work. the depth of which i never saw till today.

i read both the NIV and the NKJV version, and have taken away different things from each one.

Amazement number 1
"Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David." - 2 Timothy 2:8

remember Christ Jesus, remember His resurrection! how apt in the light of the new lesson i am learning. remember + reflect = renewed. (:

as i read the passage again in my NKJV Believer's Bible (which is by far the best study Bible in the world!), it was just reminder after reminder after reminder.

Amazement number 2
"You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." -2 Timothy 2:1

yesterday i talked to another friend of mine and i started talking about phil4:13 "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." i distinctly remember Pastor preaching on this verse once and it just stuck from that day on. we often focus on the promise of strength in this verse, but the simple truth of what he said that day just blew me away. the promise of strength is NOT the most important part of that verse. its not "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." it is "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me."

Christ. that is all there is.
the first verse of 2 Timothy reads:
"You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus."
this is paul's exhortation to timothy to be strong, yes. but what is the source of that strength? an attribute of Christ! '...the grace that is in Christ Jesus.' now how awesome is that. i never took time to appreciate this.

Amazement number 3
"If we endure, we shall also reign with Him.." - 2 Timothy 2:12
i was struck mainly by the explanation giving in my very awesome study Bible haha

the reasons for suffering:
1. some of our sufferings fulfill the sufferings of Christ for the church (Col 1:24)
2. others have to do with the steadfastness of the Christian's witness (1 Cor 4:9, 2 Cor 4:7-10)
3. some suffering produces humility and dependence on God (2 Cor 12:7)
4. there are sufferings that are disciplinary in nature (Heb 12:5-11)

reason number 3 jumped out at me, by reason of the things i have been pondering about these past few days. humility and dependence on God. how true. i would never have gotten this far in my prayer life, in knowledge of the defense of my faith, in desire to seek Him, if my life had taken a different path. (not that im anywhere near where i shd be)

Amazement number 4
"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth." - 2 Timothy 2:15

be DILIGENT. oh my goodness that just sums up everything i am trying to work on this year. discipline in my prayer life, seeking, not being lazy.. everything. what a wonder it is to hold a conversation with someone who can 'rightly divide the Word of Truth'. i am sure that He would love for me to know His Word as intimately as i know Him. so bam! time to start working girl.

Amazement number 5
"Nevertheless the solid foundation of God stands, having this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are His', and 'let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.'" - 2 Timothy 2:19

i am stamped and chopped with the seal of the Lord. not by any merit of my own, but because of Christ. my life is meant to revolve around the worship of my Maker. when i say i am a Christian, im not shouting i am saved - im confessing i was lost, and need someone to guide my way. what should my response be? when i name His Name, i should create the largest gulf between myself and iniquity. not by legalism and a list of dos and donts (which is something i think Christians shd absolutely NOT do ie impose their beliefs on others), but by a spirit that has been chided, molded and broken by the Lord. by a spirit that has learnt what it means to willingly depart from iniquity.

Sixth and last amazement
"Vessel for honor...
pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." - 2 Timothy 2:21-22

this is not my goal.. my eyes are fixed on the Author and Finisher of my faith. but i do hope that He teaches me how to pursue all these things along the way as i seek Him. and i do hope that at the end of life's day, i will get to hear Him say 'well done, good and faithful one.' (:

i have so many thoughts i need to get them all down before they disappear

read this for the most apt reminder of what it means to trust that God is right here beside us.

i was talking to a friend yesterday, and he/she reminded me of the very basis of my faith in all God is, and all the Lord Jesus is to me. i was sharing about some of my worries, anxieties and fears. and he/she simply said - look to Him.

that is exactly what someone else said to me just earlier in the day. and i just cannot explain why that struck me deeper than it did in the morning. so i determined in my heart to try exactly that. i prayed a special prayer last night that brought me an amazing sense of peace as i slept.

but when i got up this morning, i was shocked to find that this 'focusing on Him' was a whole new ball game that i have never ever learnt to play..

sounds simple enough, right? think of God. focus your thoughts on Him. on my way to school, in the middle of classes, i kept thinking of verses that describe Who God is. verses/passages kept popping up, psalm40, isaiah26:3, psalm 107, psalm 62.. but i couldnt put my finger on a verse that would just remind me of the beauty of the Lord. the very core of my faith. the essence of everything i believe it.

i guess some of this has stemmed from the extensive discussions we have been having in my 'law and religion' class. about how some people (sigmund freud) view religion as a psychological problem. an illusion, a delusion, that stems from man's need of something. a fulfillment of our own wishful thinking. others, like abraham heschel think that religion is something that stems from the essence of what a particular religion contains, and not something external to it, ie our desire for it to be true. Christianity is a religion, undeniably. but it is not a delusion, and its worth stems from the very centre of it all- Christ Himself.

as i thought of a theme verse for my day, i was horrified to find that in the process of learning, in the process of trying to cope with the heartaches and pains that life brings along with it, i have forgotten to focus on the most important figure in this entire equation of my life. i have leaned on Him for support in my trials, but i have forgotten that He is the Giver of life, and it is not the gift that i seek, but the Giver Himself.

so today i determined that my encouragement will not be God's promises to me.
like "I am with you." -isaiah41:10
or "He will establish your steps" -psalm40

but i will look to everything that He is. "I AM WHO I AM" - that is Who He is.

after thinking long and hard, this came to mind
"but we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, for the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, that He, by the grace of God, might taste death for everyone." -Hebrews 2:9

and after more afterthought
"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh.." -Jeremiah 32:27

every passage i seem to know is tainted with some element of self. how the Lord can help me (psalm 121), how He can make me strong (phil4:13).. when did i become so selfish without even realising it? maybe that's just how all of us have been. its part of sin, its part of our own human nature that we need to consciously fight against. otherwise, satan wins.

i loved what Heschel wrote in his book 'Man is not alone' a philosophy of religion-

he says that God is the ineffable, the inexplicable. "The attempt to convey what we see and cannot say is the everlasting theme of mankind's unfinished symphony." and within the next paragraph he writes what i think is the most poetic line i've read in a long, long time. "The stirring in our hearts when watching the star-studded sky is something no language can declare."

Christianity is not an instrument to motivate me in my life. it is an entity. the center of which is Christ Himself. but in my human weaknesses and folly, i, (and perhaps many other Christians), have lived in a way that makes people think my faith is merely to serve a function in my life. to give me hope in a hopeless world (or to be deluded, as opponents of Christianity would say).

but all those notions of what my faith is stops today. because today i have realised all over again that it is Christ Himself that i desire. it is Christ Himself i want to know. it is Christ Himself that has motivated me to give up certain things/people in my life. i am not part of the 'Christian community' because of a sociological need to feel like i belong somewhere (see Durkheim who believes religion is essential for social cohesion). i am part of it because it is a by-product of the real deal - being a follower of CHRIST HIMSELF.

remove all this talk about Christianity, and let's get to the core. it's not religion that changed my life, it's Christ. and today, i will live by that in a whole new way.

today we tried to bake a chocolate cake. ahahaha. with chocolate sauce. so we got everything ready and started pouring hot water into the mixture of sugar and cocoa powder to get chocolate sauce. the requirement was 1cup, but after we had poured 1/4 cup in, the sauce looked thick enough, so we happily decided that it was enough. but thankfully, after we placed the cake in the oven i had this sudden epiphany that we should add more water cos maybe the water is to moisten the cake! so we took it out and added more water. thankfully. else we would have a really hard cake.

and that kinda reminded me of me and my life. God has the formula for my life all laid out carefully in this instruction manual called the Bible. He tells me what ingredients to add to my life, to seek first His kingdom, to love Him, to serve Him, for that is man's all. but then somewhere along the way i think that i know better. i add less of something, more of something else, and it all gets mixed up and messes up the finished product. but thankfully, the Lord graciously intervenes in my weaknesses and saves me from myself.

kudos to andrew for introducing me to brooke fraser - her songs really are amazing.

deciphering me
arithmetic

the second song struck me in a way i cant explain. "You are the One i want."

of all the things i know for sure,
You are the only Certain One.

the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

if I add, if I substract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So You are the one
I want

the inner pleadings of my heart, when i am blinded by the pain of life's trials, when i try to take some of myself back, You are the One i want.

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the One i want.

today was my first day helping out at lambrick park's childrens' ministry. (: what can i say, i went expecting nothing, but i have come to the amazing conclusion that children are the same everywhere. they are cute and sweet and the most perfect embodiment of innocence. (well, most of them. some are a little rascal-ly, but at the very least they arent malicious, like some adults we see nowadays. haa)

im sure that i was one of the rascals when i was a kid, and im sure i bullied many helpless, silent-type kids. haha. so i have this soft spot for the kids that sit in corners, for the kids that arent boisterous and attention-seeking. those that sit by themselves and look so lost. (im paying back for my evil-ness when i was a kid. hahahhaa. no kidding).

today i found one little girl like that. i really think she is a beauty. she has such soft, big brown eyes you feel like she's staring right into your soul . haha. and she has such a lovely name (but for the sake of the protection of privacy, i shant put her name down.) the joys that children bring. halfway through the worship session she tapped my hand, whispered something and smiled. and ohhh my heart just melted.

i took the grade 1s with paisley (one of the many very sweet volunteers)
and here's the only photo i got of the sweet ones, cos my camera died on me



we sang this song that i remember so distinctly because of certain crazy individuals singing it during ac chapel and jumping around at the chorus bit:

im trading my sorrows,
im trading my shame
im laying them down
for the joy of the Lord!

im saying "yes Lord, yes Lord, yes. yes, Lord!"

Pastor always talks about ministry to children with such a deep sense of conviction. its not just the fun you bring into this ministry. its the kind of handprint you leave in their lives. did you point them to the Lord Jesus? or did you just provide the fun and games? that is going to be a big challenge. its all new to me, but im just going to go forth in faith! and believe that He has great plans for me, and for each little one there.

my heart is also full with the gift of music! just a side note, these are two very lovely songs that i have fallen in love with

coleccionista de canciones
sweetly broken

i woke up this morning with a heavy heart cos of a dream i had last night. but as i walked to church i prayed for a renewal of strength and a special message from Him. didnt come the way i expected, but it did. my God is good, always will be. (:

so today we went to catch some crabs at some ulu part of victoria. haha it was pretty fun! cos the boys did all the work. haha. i mostly sat there, laughed, ate teddy grahams and took photos of all the crabs we caught (but i think its unfair that we had to throw back like SIX cos they were female crabs and we arent allowed to bring home the females).

while the net was floating around in the ocean, waiting for the crabs to take the extremely disgusting bait comprising of raw chicken breast, i just stared out into this-



its wonderful to just stop and breathe in all of this. especially over here, i am seeing such rich hues of color in the sky, breathtaking blue, gorgeous green.. (ok im gonna stop being cheesy here.) the blue of the ocean is just. wow, no photo could ever do it justice. i wish i could capture it all through the amazing mechanism of my eye and show it to all of you, but im sorry i cant. haha.

one of the things about being overseas is having time to yourself. (i love my housemates though, they are lovely people. mike/carolina - eres es stupido! hahaha). and just being able to sit by myself, read by myself, has given me the opportunity to think through so many issues.

i read an inspiring post in lotsofscotts.blogspot.com on the subject of God's provision of comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 has always been to me

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (NKJV)

the principle of our God being the "God of all comfort"
but a slightly different perspective was brought about with a different translation

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." (The Message)

He is always beside me in my heartache. that i know, but i dont believe in enough. for i often forget, and lean on human frailty for support. but i didnt realise that God actually brings us alongside those who are going through the same heartaches, so that we might bring to them this renewed strength in the Lord!

i know that i have been writing this a lot, but there just seem to be more and more and more doors opening with this one single key of heartache. just one. the key to many doors. i dont like heartache, i never have. i dont like suffering, i never WILL. but as i see these doors opening, my heart softens in a way that i cannot explain.

cos this is my Creator telling me- "this is the way, child. this is why. your heart broke so that you might learn to help in the mending of the hearts of others."

im just finishing up the last few pages of 'i dont have enough faith to be an atheist'. its mostly a good read, one that i think every self-professing atheist should take a look at to balance off books like 'the god delusion'. as i had my cereal, milk and banana this morning (i sound like im on a baby diet haha) i read a passage that vividly described the flogging, crucifixion, and death of Christ.

lacerations
quivering ribbons of bleeding flesh
copious bleeding from the crown of thorns
the robe had become adherent to the clots of blood and serum in the wounds, and its removal - just as the careless removal of a surgical bandage- causes excruciating pain
fiery pain shoots along the fingers and up the arms to explode in the brain
searing agony of the nail tearing through the nerves between the metatarsal bones of the feet

it really is a wonder that He persevered through all of that.. :) but not such a wonder cos of the immense love He had for each of us.

i dont quite know why? but some things have been on my mind these past few days. the same struggles as i reach to help someone else deal with the pain. how true that experiences are keys to the hearts of people you would otherwise never reach. how true that the Lord comforts us in our pain, strengthens us in our weakness, and tells us to do the same for those around us.

but along with these thoughts has come an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. for all He has brought me through. as i walk to school everyday, everything is beautiful. and for that 20mins, i think about my life, my family, my friends, and all the individual, special people that He has blessed me with. i have so much, but sometimes i look at the things i dont have, and i forget about the things i do have.

anyhow, ive been watching season5 of one tree hill (yaye!) hahaha. it is a lot better now. more sensible, less trashy, less sleeping around. and the friendships in the show are amazing (even though in the previous few seasons there was all the cheating going on and all but forget about that for a second haha). and ive got that, in the few special people i have. and i thank God for you every morning (: for your prayers and your love, and for being there for me. i am counting my blessings.. person my person. (:

and oh my goodness i am listening to a spanish love song that my housemate sent me and its amazingggg hahahah. even though i dont understand a word of it. music is amazing. and on another note of thankfulness, i have found lambrick park church! (: not quite like Bethany, but it comes reasonably close (: i went for the first choir session last night, and the songs were really nice. i enjoyed it (: its great to be able to experience ministry in a completely different context, and still feel the same about service to the Lord (:

i am progressing in my study of the book of proverbs, and one especially struck me today.

"A talebearer reveals secrets,
but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter."
- Proverbs 11:13

proverbs is full of warnings that less words are better, less words are wiser. haha. sometimes you dont say things intentionally, but people take them to mean things, form impressions, thats why wisdom effectively says: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. haha. well not all the time, but well you get the idea.

i have so many things to think about today, so many prayers to make. so much to be thankful for!

i just wrote a whole load of unhappiness in this text box- and deleted it.

i read this from lotsofscotts.blogspot.com today: It requires a big faith to trust God to do as He pleases, not just as we please. It is scary to think of what may be required of my life for His Glory. Yet, the alternative...trusting myself in all of my fallability rather than Him in all His Majesty... is just not an option.

it's not an option. grace has been on my mind for the past hour or so. the hardest part of grace is letting go (i got that from one tree hill! haha so its not such a trashy show after all haha).

and again from lotsofscotts

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

I loved this in The Message. "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

i will learn the unforced rhythm of grace. its gonna take a long time before i stop getting mad at being misunderstood. but hey, whats it to me? Jesus took it all. every insult, every rebellion, everything. but oh well, ya cant please everyone! just focus on the One that really matters. ;)

i spent this morning reading the book of joshua - and i was struck by the goodness of the Lord upon Israel. upon a nation that had sinned, rebelled, done every imaginable evil against the Lord.

and yet He fulfilled His promises.
"Not a word failed of any good thing which the LORD had spoken to the house of Israel. All came to pass." -Joshua 21:45

and yet He gave all that they did not deserve.
"I have given you a land for which you did not labor, and cities which you did not build, and you dwell in them; you eat of the vienyards and olive groves which you did not plant." -Joshua 24:13

and yet He blessed so exceedingly abundantly above all that they could ask or think.
"one man of you shall chase a thousand, for the Lord your God is He who fights for you, as He promised you." -Joshua 23:10

it amazes me sometimes how similar i am to the nation of Israel. rebellious, sinful, corrupt and sometimes just downright ridiculous (when i think i know better). after all that He did for Israel, after all that He's done for me, what would be an appropriate response?

Listen to Him, walk with Him.
"But take careful heed to do the commandment and that law which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to keep His commandments, to hold fast to Him, and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul." -Joshua 22:5

Do not rebel.
"Far be it from us that we should rebel against the Lord, and turn from following the Lord this day..." -Joshua 22:29

Love Him.
"Therefore take careful heed to yourselves, that you love the Lord your God." -Joshua 23:10

Serve Him.
"Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord!." -Joshua 24:14

i never saw these things in such clarity until i began typing them out. and i love the proclamation that joshua makes at the end of this book. such a bold statement of conviction, such an unwavering stand of faith-

"And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." -Joshua 24:15

we all have a set of beliefs, whether you admit it or not. we all believe in something, we all value something, we all worship something. be it money or fame or self or relationships or living for the moment. whatever it is, we all worship something. these are the gods of the 21st century. not the gods of the Amorites, but still the gods of our hearts.

following the Lord is not an easy task. it involves denial of self. it involves sacrifice. it involves seeking. it involves time. that's why some dismiss it without checking it out, cos it just takes too much effort/time. it makes me mad when someone puts down the Lord (and believe me that happens with both believers and non-believers), just like how you would feel if x insulted someone you love. but more than that i feel a tugging sadness in my heart cos i know He is hearing the same words i hear. words of unbelief, words of rebellion. in my day-to-day relationships with people, i have mildly experienced what its like to have someone you love walk away from you- and thats exactly how He must feel. just a million times worse. everyday, someone turns away. everyday, someone loses faith. everyday, someone stops praying. everyday, someone stops seeking. everyday, everyday.. take your deepest pain and multiply it 6.721billion times and you get a taste of how He feels everyday.

so i dont know. i guess what im trying to say is- give Him a shot. read a little, pray a little, trust a little. dont be so quick to dismiss blessings in your life as coincidences, or luck. who knows, it could just be God trying to get your attention! and maybe one day, you'll be amazed at what you might find. (:

today i sat on the swings looking up at all of this-





i read a phrase in 'i dont have enough faith to be an atheist' today - there is no one as deaf as those who do not wish to hear. how true. its all there. Paul, a persecutor of Christians, a hater of Christians, became one of the most fervent believers, proclaiming the gospel to his death. others were doubtful, lied to save their own skin (see peter and the denial of the Lord Jesus 3 times) and yet after the resurrection, believed it so much they were bold to proclaim it as they bravely marched to their horrible, violent deaths.

some Christian martyrs, you might say, were deceived into thinking this lie of the resurrection was true. but really, could it be? how? an empty tomb. an appearance of Jesus to hundreds of people. the missing body. the insanely heavy stone rolled away. the roman guards admitting that they 'fell asleep' (falling asleep while guarding a tomb would entail the punishment of death). it transformed cowards into heroes. it turned its persecutors into its adherents. how amazing, how extraordinary!

i think its wonderful. i just spent 54dollars on amazon on more CS Lewis books. hahahaa

its funny how i talk more to my friends back home now that im here as compared to when i was home. haha. i guess the distance makes you feel like you need to make time? i dont know. the conversations ive had over the past few days and the passages i have been reading have set me thinking on a lot of things.

today i journaled for the first time in awhile.

"trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

i remember the time i started this new journal. i remember what the most pressing thing on my mind was. i remember the spiritual and emotional turmoil. i remember struggling to choose Him. i remember fighting hard. i remember the tears. i remember the nightmares. i remember the doubts and the questions.

but above all of that i remember His goodness. i remember the assurance. i remember the peace. i remember calm surrender. i remember the process of healing. i remember He was by my side.

and now i better understand what it means to trust the Lord with all my heart. not part of it, not some of it, but all of it. all. not in part but the whole.

it doesnt matter if people dont understand. it doesnt matter if you lose things/people for His sake. aspire to do as Paul did - to count these things but losses, to the glory of our Lord! (:

what can i say? once again the Lord has provided beyond what i could ever imagine. the law faculty is RIGHT at the entrance of the university that is closest to my home! my goodness. how amazing, and how wonderful. i literally take 15mins to walk to school. how could it be a coincidence that i didnt manage to rent a room at any of the previous places i looked at (these places lead to another UVic entrance at the other end of the campus.) i am so blur i always dont know whats going on, but He has provided yet again, exceedingly abundantly.

i dreamt about some unhappiness last night. and when i woke up this morning, i felt that same lingering feeling of doubt and an inability to trust fully in all the plans He has for me. but seeing His goodness today in all the little things, i am reminded. again of His goodness, again of His faithfulness. i am reminded that i will not survive these next 43 weeks or so without a special measure of His strength.

i will do my best to avoid taking things into my own hands as i trust Him to bring the best things into my life. as i trust Him to make certain things come to pass in His own time.

haha KOH ZHUANG MAN i was thinking about our 4th of july prayer. its our own special prayer ok, dont you tell anyone. just share with me when it eventually gets answered! hahahaha

i finally got to talk to my cherry tree today. haha. i think i am very blessed to be missed at all. and so i look forward to writing a wonderful new chapter of my life, as i trust Him to be with me.

benc shared this with me yesterday
"Fear not, for I am with you.
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
-isaiah 41:10

how easily i forget. how often i need to remember.